BISCUTBALL PREVIEW #9: INDIANA PACERS

A few previews ago (I measure time in previews now.) I said that the Minnesota Timberwolves should abandon the pretext of winning and seek to only play free flowing basketball, wins and losses be damned. (they have already taken my suggestions).

Their Midwestern Brothers, the Indiana Pacers, should seek to do the exact opposite. With the loss of Paul George and Lance Stephenson, to a horrifying injury and free agency respectively, there is not one single traditionally watchable player on the Pacers.

I want that anything I watch to be transcendent. Great basketball teams are often transcendent, good ones occasionally, and bad ones on occasion. But this Pacers’ roster, featuring George Hill as a primary ballhandler, Rodney Stuckey on possession absorption, 30-Some-Odd David West as the tip of the spear and R-O-Y rockin’ that low block, there is next to no chance for the Pacers to take viewers to traditional Basketball Nirvana this year. So they should just go the other way with it. Far the other way. Reeeeeeeeeally far the other way.

I have drawn up a few plays to illustrate my point.

George Hill dribbles the ball up, then sits with it for a while on the baseline. With 10 second left on the clock, everyone on the sets a four staggered screens in the key (If they call three second, well, that’s part of what makes a basketball game TRULY halting and ugly.). Hill dribbles until there’s no one guarding him and takes a long two off the dribble. Everyone gets back on defense before he even shoots.

This is the Pacers’ primary post up play. George Hill gets the ball into West at the high post, who shuttles it down to Hibbert on the low block.

Then, the guards get back on defense as quickly as possible. They’re not called “Scores,” guys. West and Hibbert pass it back and forth while getting doubled and tripled and running down the clock. When there’s 3-1 seconds left, whoever has the ball shoots either a fadeaway (West) or a hook shot (Hibbert) over their double, or they get called for a three second violation.

Everyone aggressively screens their man in the halfcourt, so Rodney Stuckey can get an all out half court isolation. Space to work with. Even if you get called for a moving screen, keep the play going until Rodney gets it up. Take a separate score. If Rodney gets 20, he gets free ice cream after the game. Videotape him eating the ice cream. When other teams are playing in the “Playoffs,” show the videos on the jumbotron in exchange for free season tickets next year. Use wet hand farts as the bed music and slip in subliminal clips of surgeries.

This one is a little complicated. It begins with Hibbert, West, and Stuckey all standing in front of the referees and blocking their field of vision.

While they’re distracted, Hill and whoever is playing small forward (Donald Sloan?) shove whoever is guarding them at the same time.

Then, West and his man sort of start to get into it while a ref stands between them while the refs and the opposing players go to break up or break into the skirmishes.

West pushes the ref in his way, while everyone else sort of squares off against each other. Old fashioned basketbrawl. n the confusion, Roy takes the ball right out of the Ref’s hands.

Everyone shoves each other and talks real loud like they do in sports when they’re mad. Roy throws the ball into the crowd.

Then, Roy walks into the middle of the court and throws double bird at the crowd while yelling “TRADE ME THIS PLACE IS HORRIBLE” while everyone, refs and players alike, yell curse words at each other. While the Pacers are doing this, they get back on defense.

In addition to being an ugly play in the moment, the resulting suspensions would leave the Pacers with a bizarre assemblage of bench players, who wouldn’t even need to try at playing transcendently ugly basketball, the type that makes a man question the existence of a just God. There would also be a resulting dialogue about role models and athletes that featured dog whistling and crap that would make everyone want to tear their ears off; the ultimate form of sports ugliness.

BISCUTBALL PREVIEW #8: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS

As a FAMOUS AND SUCCESSFUL BASKETBALL BLOGGER, people ask me a lot of questions. “How do you become famous and successful” is one. I don’t tell them the real answer, to keep them from competing with me. But I don’t get any questions about the Golden State Warriors. So I drifted on over to the Yahoo! Answers service to get some questions I can answer about this beloved basketball team.*

No. My favorite player is Draymond Green. I don’t remember the game on Friday, not sure there was one. I actually think Marc Jackson got fired in the offseason. You’re welcome.

The Warriors.

Steph Curry is the best player on the Warriors, and how he did it is be being an extraordinary three point shooter.

Probably, they did the last two years. There aren’t any new NBA teams, but I guess some teams might get better. Basically, if the Warriors win enough games to be on the the eight Western Conference that won the most games, they will get into the playoffs, unless they’re tied for eighth and they have a losing record against the team they’re tied with. It’s not that confusing.

I don’t know, I’m not a Warriors fan. I am a Blazers fan. I asked a Warriors fan, and he said:

All the evidence I have gathered suggests that Warriors fans still believe.

Curry.

Curry.

Curry.

Curry’s a better player, obviously, but if you feel like you relate to Jeff Green more, you should buy that shirt instead. Or you could buy like five shirts at Goodwill for the price of one. I buy a lot of things at Goodwill, because I’m very thrifty. If I were you, I would skip that shirt and buy a tea kettle or something. I have enough shirts but only one tea kettle.

Joe Johnson’s continued prominence is frightening to me, and to everyone. He plays an aggressively gravitational form of basketball. He is maybe a little boring. He wears black like half the time. He’s been around forever and shows no signs of going away. He is death. Klay Thompson is young and new, even if he is also pretty boring, he still feels like a new thing, overflowing with potential. Give it 5 years, and he will become death like Johnson. He will even pull a weirdly big contract in Brooklyn. Then whatever young, kinda boring shooting guard is young and hot and playing on the West Coast at the time will be on top of whatever list you’re talking about. It is destiny.

What, no, that guy is the best! I was watching his steals on the NBA Stats website yesterday and 3/4s of them went like this:

-Player isolates on Draymond

-Draymond stops the penetration.

-Draymond reaches in, digs out the ball, and takes it, like it is candy or something.

He did this to Rudy Gay three times in one game! An isolation possessions is a tradeoff: low percentage shot that probably won’t get turned over. Watching Draymond make havoc right in a guy’s house, where he thought he was safe and secure, is a true blessing. God Bless Draymond Green.

1. Van Halen, the Band, was not good without David Lee Roth, but David Lee Roth has been VERY not good without Van Halen, so I am going to go with Van Halen on this one.
2. Kevin Love. Although, Mike Love was the worst lead singer Van Halen ever had.
3. David Lee, because Andrew Bynum’s injuries have driven him away from basketball and into the arms of Van Halen, the band he is singing for now. He doesn’t have Diamond Dave’s high kicking prowess, but man when he gets to belting “Hot for Teacher” there’s no one better.

Five. This guy asked this question seven years ago, when anyone could have easily looked this shit up on Google and found out. Maybe he only uses Yahoo!. But even then, haven’t used it in a while, but I still have to imagine Yahoo! is up to that task.

What I’m trying to get at is, the guy who asked this question is Steve Kerr. It was night time, he was a little drunk, feeling a little frustrated about some furniture he was having a hard time putting together, and just to feel like he was in control he got online and asked Yahoo! Answers to validate him a little. “My kids don’t respect me, but I have a question FOR THE WHOLE DAMN INTERNET.” He sat and refreshed until the answer came up, muttered “Damn right” and went to bed.

*oh just let the internet write for you, huh? yeah, maybe, shut up

THE NBA GETS RICH

OH BOY, EVERYONE. TURN OFF THE BASEBALL, STEP OUT OF THE ROLLER COASTER, THROW THOSE CRUSHED UP ADDERALL IN THE TRASH, BECAUSE I HAVE THE ULTIMATE ADRENALINE BOOST, WAITING RIGHT HERE FOR YOU:

NEW NBA TV DEAL, AND EVERYONE IS GETTING PAID CASH MONEY

$$$$$$$$$

“A rising tide floats all boats.” The Buddha said that, and what he meant was that increased NBA Prosperity was going to make everyone with a connection to the league, from Steve Ballmer all the way down to the fans RICH RICH RICH. Are you ready to read about it!?

1. THE SALARY CAP

Salary cap’s GOIN’ UP! You have a player you shouldn’t overpay? WELL NOT ANYMORE, BECAUSE OVERPAYING FOR NBA PRODUCTION IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE NOW. Klay Thompson? MAX HIM. Wesley Matthews? MAX HIM. Luigi Datome? Can’t let a raw talent like that go back to Europe! Mid Level Exception which is now worth oh, blah blah carry the two, oh my god, it’s worth several Tower Heist style gold cars! (In Tower Heist, the villain keeps his slush fund inside his special car, which is made of gold. The end of the movie is everyone who got ripped off being amped about solid gold car parts. It’s not a very good movie.) Here is a picture of the old salary cap:

AND HERE IS THE BIG, BAD NEW ONE:

HOOOOLY MOLEY? Can we get a side by side of these bad boys?

There’s been some talk about smoothing blah blah blah that lady who runs the union is going to sit down at the table and say “our first concern with smoothing out cap raises is go fuck yourself Adam,” and then throw a handful of one hundred dollar bills right in his face.

2. PLAYERS FINALLY MAKING MORE MONEY

Now that salaries are going to EXPLODE, players can finally make some purchases! And I am here to tell you, the reader, what the hot NBA purchase of 2016 is going to be.

Formerly only for the mega rich, the bedside decanter, and it’s amazing, life giving force is now accessible to NBA players. Steve Nash has been using a kombucha growler as a sort of makeshift decanter, and his calculations have suggested that taking away below temperature room late night water from his diet has added TWO WEEKS to the end of his career. This decanted water is going to make healthier NBA players, which will make a better NBA. Money makes everything better!

PART THREE: THE FUTURE!

Can we be real for a second? This country (The United States) is going STRAIGHT into the shitter. Dumb imperial wars, cops in all out panic because someone suggests that maybe they shouldn’t be able to shoot people on sight for looking at them funny, financial markets inhumanely tugging working people around like they’re dogs, the ongoing corn subsidy and it’s attack on American AgroDiversity. It’s not looking good. But this new NBA Deal is going to keep them in Million-Dollar-Bill-Lined pants for A WHILE. This is going to come in handy:

“Oh no, I bankrupted the entire United States because I declared war on Iran after some shadowy billionaire donor told me to so the price of corn would go up. What am I going to do?”

 

“Well, President Christie, you heap of human garbage, the NBA, the only remaining source of wealth remaining in America, is willing to help. We are loaded with money and we will give you a loan. But there is a cost…”

“Please, Mr. Silver, Anything! We’ll do anything!”

And that is how the United States put all of their scientists to work projecting NBA games onto the moon beginning in 2018. The sponsorships dollars are bonkers, because the league is the only truly global brand since everyone in the world will is forced to watch it when they look up into the night sky. Trillions pour in. The NBA’s dominance is unchecked. New Roman Empire. All because of the new TV Deal.

BISCUTBALL PREVIEWS #7: SACRAMENTO KINGS

BISCUTBALL PREVIEW #6: THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS

(The following is an excerpt from BISCUTBALL, INC.’s (The branding and corporate arm of Biscutball, presentation package to Ball-Mer, LLC, the holding company that officially owns the Los Angeles Clippers.)

IT’S A NEW DAY FOR THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS! Donald Sterling, their racist coot owner, has been THROWN OUT ON HIS ASS by the NBA and public opinion, with only a GIANT PILEFULL OF MONEY to comfort him.

The team is good, maybe even CONTENDER good. The other LA Team, their primary competition for dollars and eyeballs, is bad maybe HILARIOUS DISASTER bad. The new owner has DEEP POCKETS and seems COMPARATIVELY STABLE.

IT’S TIME TO EMBRACE THE NEW ERA OF CHANGE IN THE CLIPPER ORGANIZATION

It’s time to change the name. Forget the past. The Clippers, the laughingstock of the NBA, the team of Injured Bill Walton, thirty years of Sterling Malfeasance and .383 all time winning percentage is DEAD.

Now, Boats are great. I live boats. My family loves boats. Many good things have happened on boats. But the SS LA Clipper boat is beaten and broken. The sail is torn. The hull has “Fuck sux” (I don’t get it?) spray painted on the side. It’s time to sink her to the bottom of brand ocean. where brandacles can grow on her decks.

I DON’T DESTROY WITHOUT BUILDING. I have a DEFINITIVE NEW SOLUTION TO THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS BRANDING CRISIS

I will give you a second to gather your friends and family around the computer for the reveal, which will get you talking.

READY!?

THE LOS ANGELES TRUCKS

HERE ARE SOME FACTS ABOUT TRUCKS:

-They are big, like basketball players.

-The are stronger than cars, like basketball players and regular people.

-They’re boxy and useful, like Microsoft products, unlike Boats/Macs, which are sleek and useless.

-You can use them to carry most things, sort of like how a sports team carries the arbitrary hopes and expectations of the random people who like them.

-Children and grown men love trucks AND basketball!

BUT WHAT WOULD THE NO LOGO LO...

Let me stop you there, good reader. I am not Leonardo Da Vinci, but I made a modest mockup with a baseball pencil I sharpened myself using the Rees Method and some beautiful pastel crayons:

It would be a little “Cleaner” and “Computerized” after a professional got his hands on it, but I believe it would retain the same charm.

TRUCKS? THERE AREN’T ANY COOL CREATIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH TRUCKS THAT WILL ENGAGE THE FANS!

WRONG!

ONE: EVERY MEMBER OF THE TRUCKS WILL BE GIVEN A TRUCK-BASED NICKNAME:

BLAKE GRIFFIN: “Mack Dunk”

CHRIS PAUL: “Dirt Track Racer”

DEANDRE JORDAN: “Steel Girder Crane”

JAMAL CRAWFORD: “Stunt Truck”

SPENCER HAWES: “Truck with Weird Bumper Stickers”

MATT BARNES: “Tricked out Truck with Cool Dragons on the Side”

JJ REDDICK “Mike Truckewski”

JORDAN FARMAR: “Jordan Farmer’s Truck”

GLEN DAVIS: “Cattle Truck”

HEDO: “The Truckish Legend”

CHRIS DOUGLAS-ROBERTS: “Chris Trucklas-Truckberts”

EPKE UDOH: “The Bookmobile”

TWO: TRUCK HORNS AFTER EVERY DUNK

Eventually, you won’t even need the sound effect, the whole crowd, now decked out in blue and red trucker costumes YOU SELL AT THE STADIUM FOR REAL $$$ PROFITS, will do it on their own, hand gesture and all! THIS IS HOW YOU BUILD BELOVED TRADITIONS!

THREE: BELOVED GRATEFUL DEAD SONG "Truckin"

Intro? Truckin’. Halftime? Local school band plays Truckin’. Buzzer beater? Truckin. Need to kill about 20 minutes while someone fixes a problem with the floor? Live version of Truckin’. Lifting the trophy after you win the title? Truckin’.

I hope, no, I KNOW, reading this has convinced you, the management over at Ball-mer Sports, LLC, that the "TRUCKS" will be "TRUCKIN''" into the future with these UNIMPEACHABLE Branding solutions!

BISCUTBALL PREVIEW #5: PHOENIX SUNS

BROTHERBALL is now the official In-House philosophy of the Phoenix Suns’ Front office and AMERICA IS PUMPED! Just in the last week, the Suns have united Zoran Dragic with his brother Goron and signed the Morris Twins to TWIN EXTENSIONS (they are different sized twins)! Team chemistry: if you ask the Phoenix suns, there’s no BETTER CHEMISTRY than a FAM-LIONIC BONDS!

But the other members of the Phoenix Suns have brothers, too! What are their lives like? I did some down and dirty reporting to find out!

-Magnus Len, Alex’s Brother, is an HR manager at Evergreen Health Co-op in Maryland. Widely known as the “Tall guy in the office.” A common exchange for him:

“I’ll bet ducking under those door frames is a real pain.”

“Yeah.”

“But it’s probably worth it, huh!? I sure wish I could dunk!”

“Sure, yeah. It’s great.”

-Eric Bledsoe’s brother, Chip Bledsoe, was drawing a paycheck with the US Government until 2011, when every trace of his existence was erased. He was last seen entering the South American rainforest by canoe; one conspiracy theorist (‘EdTrails.blogspot.com, that’s Chemtrails but his name is Ed.) suggested he was stationed there to protect a weapon of unknowable power: a laser that exclusively destroys love. Unleashing it on a country would plunge them into chaos, for love is the bond on which society is built, even subconsciously. (This is probably not true.)

-David Green, Gerald’s Brother, is a writer for DC Comics. Here is a sample of his work:

Not really my thing. More of an indie comics kinda guy. I’m sure the superhero guys eat it up.

-You already know about Miles Plumlee’s brothers, in both biology and Dookery, Mason and Marshall.

Look at this high grade collection of upstanding citizens. BUT you probably DON’T know about the four Plumlee Brother, currently a Sophomore at the University of Miami, Maximillion Plumee, known to the people of The U Nation as “MaxyMillons the Plumlord.”

Maxy’s style of game is similar to that of his brothers: hard screens, good work on defense, all that fundamental crap. But he has a little bit of extra flair. It’s not unusual to see him take a tech for arguing about a moving screen, or deliver a tiny little crotch thrust after a thunderous dunk. He’s also known for his post game interviews, which often go to strange places:

“I’m just out here trying to get some rim on my hands.” (Maxy winks and makes a fingergun at the same time.)

“These ACC refs are bullcrap. Print that. Bull. Crap. Wait, sorry. Bullshit. I forget which one is a really bad curse word sometimes.”

“The Man-U (Maxy’s nickname for Manu Lecomte) did good for us tonight. Saw him eating an apple before the game. If it’s me, I get an apple tree in my apartment, make that the center of my diet. This guy lives off apple energy. He’s an apple furnace.”

“I’m not saying a bullet, like a bullet from a magnum, would just BOUNCE OFF ME or anything. But I’m is killer shape. I think, shotgun blast from distance, like 50 feet away, I could walk away from that without having to see a doctor, if I had time to flex beforehand. 100 feet away, I could run over and punch the guy, bam, right in the jaw, while he was reloading.”

-Mack Warren, TJ Warren’s brother, is a chemical engineer in Raleigh, North Carolina.