The Timberwolves have not been very good. Here is proof:
(Grabs shirt collar) Oy vey! Not good! Maybe moving the team to a proper city instead of “Minnesota, Minnesota” would help.
The Timberwolves might be good someday. Wiggins has superstar potential if he can learn to focus his chi, Anthony Bennett is at least not as bad as he was last year and Zach LeVIne can jump very high in the air. Gorgui Dieng tore apart the FIBA World Championships. Rubio is already useful on the strength of his defense and playmaking and could theoretically learn to shoot a basketball like an NBA guard sooner or later.
But they won’t be good this year. Mediocrity is probably the best case scenario. BUT: I am proposing a radical solution:
COMPLETELY BAIL ON WINNING, EVEN AS A PRETENSE, AND JUST TRY TO PLAY THE MOST FLUID POSSIBLE FORM OF BASKETBALL
The roster is almost there! You are going to have to unload Pekovic (No postups!), Kevin Martin (That jump shot doesn’t fit, it’s all wobbly! Also we’re trying to avoid foul shots here.), Mo Williams (Given.) Shabbaz can probably get out of town, too, he doesn’t run enough for what we’re trying to accomplish here. EVERYONE ELSE PLAYS BY THESE RULES:
- THE ONLY DEFENSE IS A MATCHUP ZONE WHERE YOU ARE TRYING TO EITHER GET A BLOCKED SHOT OR A STEAL
Here is an example of what that might look like. The top guard tries to strip the primary ballhandler for a fast break. The two forwards look to pick passes to the mostly open corners for fast breaks. The bottom guard tries to pick off any post entry pass to the center. Don't foul, ever. The center just walks in and out of the paint, waiting for a shot at the rim, which he tries to block the shot towards the lower guard, who then dribbles or passes forward to a wing to make a fast break. DON'T FOUL, EVER. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO FOUL.
2. ONLY USE ONE PLAY ON INBOUND SITUATIONS
If they concede a basket, which they might, who knows!? You run a long bomb inbounds play every time, just like every NFL team should probably do. Football s way more complicated than basketball, but statistics suggest throwing downfield is the best move like 95% of the time or something. Is there any reason to think it won’t work in basketball!?
The ideal lineup for this system, WHOSE ONLY PURPOSE IS CREATING A FLUID BASKETBALL, is Rubio/LeVine/Brewer/Wiggins/Dieng. If it turns out to be a winning basketball strategy, they will become known as the Globetimbers because of how much they clown on fools. Also because Rubio will take to carrying handfuls of confetti around in his pockets and throwing it at opponents and the refs.
Dieng’s first options is to throw to Brewer, Wiggins, or LaVine, shown here outrunning their defenders with ease. If, for some reason, they are covered, he throws to a trailing Rubio, who makes the play from there. (An oop to a cutting LeVine, for instance.)
This system might deprive Dieng of any scoring chances and that may upset his agents. If it gets to be too hot of a situation, just slot Dieng in at one of the guard spots and watch the buckets come in for a game or two. Then put him back where he belongs, in the quarterback’s seat, fat and happy and filled with points..
Some teams may resist this form of basketball. Those nefarious Pacers, in particular, will seek to destroy this basketball utopia. But one team won’t be able to resist. And when that team comes into town, we’ll have what we’ve always dreamed of: A 200 possession NBA game. Basketball scientists the world over rejoice! "We have not split the atom, no, but I believe we not have the tools to do it!" The discoveries made in this season will fuel research for dozens, maybe HUNDREDS of years! Earth's basketball will be unstoppable! All the planets of the universe bowing at our feet!
All because the Timberwolves took a 13 win season in service for the greater good. Do the right thing, Flip; become the basketball Hadron Collider.
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