Saturday, June 28, 2014

An Excerpt from TRIPLE DOUBLE: MY THREE PRONGED PLAN TO GET AHEAD IN BASKETBALL AND BUSINESS!, a book written by Jason Kidd in three years.

(NOTE: Jason's book frequently utilizes Points, Rebounds, and Assists as metaphors. It gets pretty confusing if you think too hard about it, but you bought it at an airport so what do you care.)


Congrats! Utilizing the strategies of SCORING, ASSISTING, and REBOUNDING at work, you have reached the top of the mountain and are now ready for a new challenge!

What should you look for in a new career? Well, considering you were a RUNAWAY SUCCESS in your old career:
1. REBOUND into a new career that is in the same industry as your old one!
2. PASS up the opportunity to start from the bottom! Roundly reject the idea of being a middle manager or assistant at your new job. You deserve the big chair. Just walk right in! You earned it! And make sure you don't mess around with a company that isn't up to your standards! Working with young, inexperienced people is a surefire way to NOT succeed immediately!
3. SCORE by recognizing who craves attention and owns insane piles upon piles of shadily acquired money just sitting there waiting to be burned! Target a company that is in direct competition for market share with a local rival. They won't be terribly concerned about your qualifications, as long as they can get attention!
THEN, do the job! Just do it! It's not that hard! You were an INSANE SUCCESS at your last job! Maybe hire some experience dudes to help you SCORE, then ASSIST them out of their job if you feel like it! Don't worry, they have money, they'll REBOUND. If you've followed my advice so far, you're in a pretty good situation and there isn't really any way you can mess it up that much.

Hey, wait!? What's going on!? That company across town hired a guy who wasn't NEARLY as successful as you were to do the job you're doing now!? Oh man, you can't just take that sitting down! It's time to talk to your boss about a raise. You know, what, FUCK a raise! You're not going to be in a position to continue SCORING at your job if they give give you a measly little raise! It's time to ASSIST yourself! You know that guy who is nominally your boss, not really, but to the extent that there is anyone who you work for on a day to day basis, he is that person? He should work for you now!
Talk to the one of the intense Russians that runs your company. Yell a little, throw verbal elbows like you're GOING FOR A REBOUND. Can you believe they gave THAT GUY more money than you!? Insane! He didn't SCORE, ASSIST, or REBOUND nearly as much as you did!

At this point, your demands should be acquiesced to, and you should have more money and stature at your new job! BUT but of you didn't manage to SCORE with your bosses, it's time to ASSIST yourself into REBOUNDING with someone who will respect you.
You invested your money with a hedge fund, right!? Well, that guy probably owns a company now! That company is probably dying on the vine and located in a frozen wasteland where no one in your old industry wants to live! He'll probably hire you! It might not be as easy as your last job, where everything was built to be a success but I'm sure you'll be fine! They just recruited some hotshot guy, you can work with him! Don't worry, it's going to work out great!

If, by now fault of your own, it does't work out great, don't worry! All industries LOVE recycling old talent, and while you sit around and wait for the next call, you can SCORE money by writing self-help literature (With an ASSIST from a ghostwriter!) and REBOUND yourself a position working for some college to rebuild your reputation! Washington State? Rutgers? Nebraska? The world is your oyster!

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