Hey man, what’s going on? Hey, I know how much you like gambling, so I thought I would spit some knowledge to you about these NBA Over/Unders, really give you the hard earned perspective that a guy gets when he is out there in the field, blogging about basketball all damn day. So, hey, let’s go!
PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS: 46.5 WINS
Woah, woah! Vegas (that’s the city where we have to bet, because gambling is pretty illegal everywhere else) thinks the Blazers are going to be worse this year? I don’t know about that: this is a young team on the rise, if you ask me! You gotta go OVER!
BUCKS 20.5 WINS
You know, I didn’t really think about the Blazers’ terminal lack of depth and the fact that they had unbelievable injury luck last year. We couldn’t have seen both Batum and Matthews’ hands breaking right in the middle of the season! You win some, you lose some. Anyway, this Bucks team has some real problems, talent wise. Brandon Knight and OJ Mayo in the backcourt? P.U.! Not to mention that Larry Sanders fella, that guy is a MANIAC! I know 20 seems low, but you should go under. It’s free money.
BULLS: 55.5 WINS
Look: I thought Parker was all hype. I think we all thought that. We discussed that. But he sure proved everyone wrong, for sure. Playoffs! Who knew!? Sunrise, sunset in the life of a high risk gambler like yourself! The Bulls here, I don’t trust this team to do well in the playoffs - but I think that Derrick Rose is healthy, and that defense is gonna make it ugly for the opposition. 62 wins, OVER OVER OVER.
CAVS: 57.5 WINS
Yeah, Rose got injured. But, hey. It’s not called “Safe Investing,” it’s called “Gambling.” You gamble. The Cavs, though, that is a sure-ass thing. Kevin Pelton, you know who that guy is? He’s this numbers wizard and he has this projection system that is saying some P-RETTY insane things about the Cavs this year. Some 67 Wins type things. Huh? What? You’re out of money? Well, look. I get that. But this line is 100 Per-Cent, Guaranteed. You absolutely cannot lose. So how about you and I walk over to that check cashing place, and we’ll just get all your money back and maybe a little extra and then you and I can go home, be done for the night.
CELTICS: 28.5 WINS
So it took a little time to gel! They got to 56, didn’t they!? A few rolls of the ball away from the over! Like, one half of a standard deviations from the mean and you’re rolling in it right now. Hey, wait. C’mon, don’t leave! Look, I know a guy. His name is Razor. He can get you some money fast at a PRETTY reasonable rate. The Celtics are definitely going over. They’re not good or anything, but Rondo’s coming back and that Brad Stevens is a hot new coach with a plan of attack. I’m telling you, your money problems are going to be…
CLIPPERS 54.5 WINS
Look, I didn’t think Stevens deserved to be fired that quickly. 0-17 starts are like, common as hell. Anyway, they traded Rondo, that bet shouldn’t have even counted. You were betting on the Rondo Celtics. You know, I’ll bet Vegas like, orchestrated that. These are powerful people, you know? I know you’re saying, “I’m in too deep now,” but brother, the beauty of gambling is that one good bet is like a big ol’ backhoe, tearin’ up the ground and giving you a straight shot out of despair. This Clippers team: new owner, new era, new good feelings. I’m thinking sixty. Pawn that ring and let’s make it happen!
GRIZZLIES 49.5 WINS
Razor is mad, okay? I mean, the whole country is mad after we heard that Steve Ballmer tape, but Razor in particular is mad because you haven’t paid him, with interest. Things WOULD be getting desperate for you, except the Grizzlies are WASHED. Marc Ga-so long to mobility, because you’re a man with knee troubles now!
HAWKS 44.5 WINS
I think we can agree on two things right now: Jordan Adams is A LOT better than you or I or ANYONE expected and taking money from a guy named Chainsaw was a bad idea. I didn’t think he would own an actual chainsaw! Isn’t this like, the desert? Where did he even get a chainsaw, no one is looking to chop down trees here! How many credit cards do you have? Oh man, you’re gonna need to apply for two or three more, like at the same time, so that you can get them all at once without raising eyebrows. Then you will max them out on the Hawks going over and this whole thing will be donezo. I mean, Chainsaw isn’t like, an IRRATIONAL guy or anything!
HEAT 43.5 WINS
44 EXACTLY! I mean: so close! I definitely thought they had three quarter wins over the course of the season, if they counted those you would have squeaked by right there. It’s okay, man, this next one is easy peasey: Lebron left, that’s like 30 wins, the Heat are doomed. Under under under!
HORNETS 43.5 WINS
Okay, look. That one was my fault. I forgot that Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh were on the Heat, like in the heat of giving gambling advice. Look. It’s getting to be… desperate out there. Razor and Chainsaw found out about each other and they’ve teamed up. No to mention these credit card companies, blowing up your phone day and night. You should get on that do-not-call list, then they can only send you letters and, I mean, letters, I’ll ignore the shit out of a letter. Hey, look over there? That old guy is just sitting there, catatonic at the slots. I’ll bet you could take his wallet and bet everything in it, cash and credit, on the Pelicans over. AD is breaking out for sure. Next superstar. What? Look, he’s gonna be fine. The casino reimburses anyone who gets robbed and his credit card company sure as hell isn’t going to incur a PR shitstorm over trying to make that war veteran pay his phone credit card bill. Old people haven’t paid their credit card bills in like 20 years!
JAZZ: 19.5 WINS
Oh yeah, the CHARLOTTE HORNETS. I can’t believe I forgot about that! Still, surprised they were that bad. Lance as a primary ball handler, what a bad idea! Look, it’s time to do some things you might not be proud of. Here. Take this gun. See that convenience store? They put their money in the safe at 11:58, in five minutes. That register is heaving with money. Put the mask on, go in there, and take it and bet it all on the Jazz over. I mean, 19 wins: that’s crazy! What kind of team wins 19 games!? There’s some talent there! Just think about it like this: that company isn’t doing anyone any good! Gasoline poisons the environment, sugary snacks make everyone fat.
KINGS 26.5 WINS
Hey. Thanks for meeting me. I know you’re in hiding after Dante Exum really took the Jazz on a suck odyssey. But I have a plan. Here. This is a map to a secret entrance into the vault at the Wynn Casino. You’re gonna have to go into the desert. Here’s a parasol to keep the sun out of your shit. Take all the money out of the vault and bet it on the Kings under. They’re cursed!
KNICKS 36.5 WINS
Hey, surprised to see you out in public again, especially after the Kings made the playoff when they traded Rudy Gay! I guess you probably bet against my advice; probably a good idea, considering I’ve gone 0/12 so far. Haha yeah, not my best year! Anyway talk… huh? You didn’t bet against me? Weird. Well, okay. Why are you able to show your face in public? Shouldn’t Chainsaw be, you know. Whiiiiiir saaaaaaw ahhhhhhh and all that? Well, okay! You want another over under? Sure, uhh…. Knicks, they’re probably going over! Can’t be as bad as they were last year!
LAKERS: 33.5 WINS
You know, I haven’t seen Razor around lately? Someone said he was (knife across throat motion) chheeett. But I don’t believe that. That guy was a real tough customer. Look: at this point it’s more likely that I will be right than wrong. I actually know a lot about basketball, for real! The Lakers have a motley collection, but I’m a real believer in Kobe Bryant, for sure. That guy would never go out like a chump! Look at Derek Jeter: he’s a champion on a farewell tour!
MAGIC: 27.5 WINS
I probably should have looked up Derek Jeter’s stats before I said that. He has been VERY bad and so was Kobe! God, you don’t seem stressed about this at all! You get a new job or something? Or something? Haha, good one, buddy! Anyway, the Magic are probably going under: just too many rookies, you know!
MAVERICKS: 48.5 WINS
...yeah, but, you know. Think about how good Payton and Gordon had to be JUST to get to 29 wins! Hey, where’d you get that ring? This job must be really great! What does it say? “Boss?” Haha, yeah, weird ring, man. Do you, like, punch guys in the forehead so they know who the boss is? Just kidding. Anyone tell you you’re looking pretty ripped? Anyway, this Mavs one is a major toss up, you probably don’t even want my opinion. Huh? Flip a coin? Oh, okay. Uhhhhh…. heads! Over!
NETS 39.5 WINS
Hey, that’s what happens when you flip a coin! I got this Nets one for sure, though. Under.
NUGGETS 44.5 WINS:
Wow. KG did NOT go gently into that good night. Look, you lost money, but you gained a new appreciation for life, watching that guy spill his blood and guts. Sorry, I just. I am crying a little, like a baby. It was so goddamn inspiring. I can’t even think straight when I say take the Nuggets over. Gallo’s back, Aaron’s back, the whole gang is here to get it done! I just, wow. And when he was hugging that baby? KG just makes me cry.
THUNDER: 56.5 WINS
Oh, yeah, JJ Hickson! Haha totally forgot. I don’t know why I’m laughing, I just keep losing you money! Maybe it’s because YOU’RE in such a good mood! You know, if you want to stop… oh, you don’t? Well, okay! Every time the Durant/Westbrook Thunder have been healthy, they’ve cleared sixty wins. This one is clearly an over. Hey, that’s a really cool picture of the Federal Reserve you got there!
PACERS: 38.5 WINS
Hey. Sorry, it’s hard to keep my mind on these Over/Unders right now, with all the chaos in America right now. How was someone able to rob the Federal Reserve? I know this must be really hard for you, in particular, since you were such a big fan of the Fed. I might not be thinking straight when I recommend you take the under on this one. I just… damn, the whole world economy, in so much chaos, because this guy, this… “Black Ringo” and his ruthless gang of “Vanzettis.” What could make someone into that kind of monster?
PELICANS: 41.5 WINS
You still want gambling advice!? Why!? All the legitimate casinos have been shut down and stripped of their assets as a way of establishing a base level of capital in the United States Central Bank, the new bank that controls all of the money in the United States. The NBA only continues as a mass distraction for the masses, a little glimmer of the old days now that we live in a socialist-totalitarian hellscape. The players are forced into competition! ...oh? You, uh… know someone? In Montana? Okay, I guess, uh, the over? Yeah, for sure. I think The Pelicans are well equipped to handle the new ankle bracelets they’re giving every NBA player.
PISTONS: 36.5 WINS
I don’t think anyone saw the entire Pelicans roster being executed because of Jrue Holiday’s subversive political actions coming. For what it’s worth, I think the replacements they got REALLY mailed it in, especially Adam Morrison. Now that Stan Van Gundy has been named the Warden King Of Florida, I don’t like the Pistons chances this year. Mike Woodson is a retread at best, an active saboteur in all likelihood.
RAPTORS: 47.5 WINS
Heh, I guess Woodson was really mailing it in in New York. Eastern Conference Finals! Then again, those refs were really dodgy all year. I think Josh Smith’s position as an assassin with the totalitarian government got them a whole hell of a lot of 50/50 calls. The Raps over I like this year. Did you hear about Jonas getting a massive cannon installed in his chest? Hey, how do you have all this food in your house? You must really be saving your rations! Also this bearskin rug is very nice, I didn’t recall you owning one of these before The Vanzettis, once the perpetrators of the theft that has left all of us living in a world of chaos, now the thug army that keeps everyone in line, took them from everyone in nighttime raids.
ROCKETS 48.5 WINS
Boy howdy, Jonas did NOT know how to use that cannon. Rockets are going over, I think. Dwight has just been the biggest Government Stan, you gotta imagine that’s worth 50 wins on it’s own. Then again, they’ve already banned every sneaker that isn’t Dwight Howard branded and plastered his smiling face onto every billboard in the country, along with the message “Dwight says: don’t fight! Submit!” I was okay with this until I had Dwight Howard shoved down my throat, frankly.
SIXERS: 17.5 WINS
Dwight sure missed a lot of free throws last year! Way more than expected, I think. Before they executed him for leading a revolutionary group that stormed the Connecticut State House and freed thousands of pallets of food for the people of Hartford, Skip Bayless was on PIRATESPN running his mouth about, “Dwight can’t handle the pressure of being the disgusting face of this Sinful Government.” I don’t think it had anything to do with that, I think it was probably just like a normal regression, you know? Standard deviations from the mean can be surprisingly large. Look: Skip was a hero to the revolution, his dying words, broadcast over TV while he was beheaded, send a chill down my spine every time I think about them, but that guy just BLOVIATED when he talked about sports. I think the Sixers are in for a good year. They managed not to lose any players in the government’s BasketPurge, and they’re going to be motivated after Hinke lost his hands because he tanked too much.
SPURS: 57.5 WINS
Wow, even competing against players that would have been sub-sub-replacement level in last year’s NBA, the Sixers were TERRIBLE! Look, I don’t think the government is like “Good” or anything, but in retrospect I might be on their side with that Hinke thing. Hey, what’s this? No, on your desk, there? Hey: is this… oh my God, this is a plan to kill the King of America!? And it’s labeled… “Operation Succession!?” Wait… that picture of the Fed… your neverending stream of income despite everyone else living in poverty… your ongoing ability to make bets, even though gambling is punishable by death… you’re, you’re… Black Ringo, the leader of the Vanzettis! And you’re planning to assassinate the king, which would launch America into chaos and allow you and your gang of goons to step in and take over in the resulting power vacuum! Oh my God! I’m not giving you over/under advice ANY MORE! I’m leaving! To tell the world about your evil life!
SUNS: 42.5 WINS
H-hello? Who is this? How did you get this number? Black Ringo. We’re going to get you! The REAL REVOLUTION is coming for you, you understand!? What!? You bet the under on the Spurs!? That’s a terrible idea! I would have told you that! God, your instincts on this are even worse than mine! ...no, I’m not giving you a pick for the Suns!
TIMBERWOLVES: 25.5 WINS
LOOK HERE, EVERYONE. We’re The Bayless Army and we’re the only hope for this world gone mad! Once we destroy Black Ringo and disband his gang of thugs, we will help rebuild the world! You, farmer John, will teach the world how to plant food in the ground again! Iron Dave, the art of the factory! Missy Lewis, Queen of the Needle, the textiles that will keep our children warm once more! And I will teach the world how to blog about basketball! But first, we must band together with these terrible weapons and commit acts of violence! It’s the only way to make the world a better place in the future! Wait, did you guys hear that? I think it’s th-
WARRIORS: 49.5 WINS
I’m going to get out of this prison, you understand!? I’m going to get out of here, and I’m going to kill you! I don’t care WHAT you want! Wait… another over/under!? Who are you even betting with at this point!? I’m not saying a wor… okay, stop pointing the gun at me. I’ll tell you. Uhhhh… well… Klay Thompson is the best basketball player in the world now that practically every other player once in the NBA has been killed, so this is a pretty solid over, I think. Okay. Hey, I could use some food, so… THIS IS A VIOLATION OF THE GENEVA CONVENTION, BLACK RINGO, YOU SON OF A-
WIZARDS: 50.5 WINS
Well, here we are. The Warriors went under because Klay Thompson withered under the responsibility of primary ballhandling, and you are on the lip of the Grand Canyon across from me, pointing a gun at your unprotected head, Black Ringo. This is all going to be over soon. America will never be the same, but hopefully we can build it again, better and kinder than it once was. But before I shoot you and leave your corpse at the bottom of the world, I just want to know one thing: why did you keep asking me for over/unders? TELL ME, GODDAMNIT! My picks were terrible! What? Because you loved me? You did all this, just to get money so you could keep making bets as per my recommendations because… you wanted me to love you back? This is very shocking, Black Ringo. I… I… don’t know what to say. Nevermind, yes I do. I will say: the Wizards will not only go over, they will win the title and become the symbol of hope for the new world. A world without you...
(Corbin shoots you in the head, and your body falls into the Grand Canyon.)