THE ULTIMATE BASKETBALL VIDEO GAME

There’s a patchy field in the middle of a rural county in Washington. Someone crudely spray painted basketball lines onto the ground. There are two hoops, one doesn’t have a net and the other is set to nine feet.

You can choose between two teams. The first is five teenage girls. Clara, Janney, Lindy, Exodus, and Ham. Janney is a mennonite. Clara is wearing an eye patch, and she can’t shoot from distance. The other three play normal but they all have different catch phrases, like “Hey, pass it!” or “My knees are getting sore!” or “It is so humid out here!” They can run four plays: a pick and roll,  dribble handoff, and a post-up for Janney. When Janney makes a basket, she prays for forgiveness, because she knows that victory is a sin in the eyes of God. If she scores 10, she is hit by a lightning bolt, and you have to play with four players.

The other team is a little boy named Amelio and an 8-foot tall monster named GLORIOUS. Amelio keeps GLORIOUS on a 15 foot metal chain. GLORIOUS was sent to Earth to enslave the human race and harvest their spirit for food. But when he first arrived, Amelio beat him in a game of Scrabble (He didn’t know English yet) and by the custom of his (Very competitive) planet, was now to be Ameilo’s slave forever. Amelio doesn’t know what to feed him and he is wasting away. No matter what happens, GLORIOUS dies at the end of the game either from exhaustion if he wins and shame if he loses. GLORIOUS is the only player that can dunk on the ten foot rim (Lindy can dunk on the 9 foot rim) but when he does, he loses whatever arm he was using to dunk. If he dunks with both hands, he can only set screens for Amelio and cover pick and rolls away from the basket.

The fourth play the girl team can run is trying to convince Amelio to let GLORIOUS die in peace. They are upset by his slave state. Amelio calmly explains that this is their custom, and that they are being disrespectful to GLORIOUS by suggesting that he go free. “Also, he is a devourer of souls, ladies and I can’t let that happen to such beautiful girls.” Then, Amelio licks his lips for 15-20 seconds. Amelio is a creep.

BRANDON JENNNINGS ACTION BASKETBALL, coming July 2015!