THEROTICAL PAINTINGS OF KLAY THOMPSON

(CORBIN SMITH, the author of this blog, is at best a “Kinda crummy” visual artist, capable of painting a crude yet charming natural artifact (His middle school art teacher liked him a lot, he just went to a photography show she was putting on, but she gave him a lot of Bs and Cs), but not a complicated painting, rich with details that communicate ideas. With this in mind, he now presents a series of images for you to conjure, either in your head or on the canvas, of the famous basketball player Klay Thompson, whose deep mediocrity somehow inspires people to make dramatic declarations about his usefulness.)

Renaissance painting of Klay Thompson sitting in a mansion with his back turned to a burning city. He only seems vaguely concerned.

Velázquez style painting of Klay Thompson in a child therapist’s office. His head is adult sized, but his body is child sized. Is he playing with a Rubix cube. His therapist looks very bored.

A mural of Klay Thompson is posing in the nude in front of a life drawing class, but he has a noticeable beer gut. We see four students working with graphite, and their drawings left to right. In the first, he looks like a Greek God. The second, Klay Thompson as Mother Mary, nursing a small bunny rabbit that represents the shooting guard position. The third, his abs are little M16 Machine Guns. The fourth is REPLACEMENT LEVEL.scrawled across paper.

Goya painting of Klay Thompson lunging for and missing a line drive hit by a charismatic Devil.

Hyper-Realist portrait of Klay Thompson smiling and holding a small generic dog in front of a house in Marin County. There’s a “For Sale” sign covered with a giant “SOLD” Sticker.

A cartoony, brightly colored painting of Klay Thompson riding a giant albatross wearing a Steph Curry jersey. They are hunting an airship. Klay is holding a harpoon with two hands above his head in a way that doesn’t seem very utilitarian.

Normal Rockwell painting of Klay Thompson striking out with a girl at a bar while Sleater-Kinney plays in the background.

A dynamic American realist painting of Klay Thompson sticking his hands in his pocket and turning away while a group of frat boys beat up a homeless guy for fun.

Large canvas of Klay Thompson doing a reading of his novel to a half full house at a Barnes and Noble. The novel is called “The Glory of Man.”

A portrait of Klay Thompson in his office at UMASS in 1949, signing a petition that encourages the US Government to develop a hydrogen bomb.

Fantasy novel cover featuring Klay Thompson, outfitted as a medieval knight, getting beat to death by an ogre with a wooden club. (The novel is called “The Good Ogre’s Quest.”)

A neo-realist painting of Klay Thompson as a police officer arresting Phillippe Petit after his wire walk between the Twin Towers.

Klay Thompson as a farmer in overalls, ordering seeds off of the Monsanto website. The room is filled top to bottom with barrels labeled “ROUNDUP.”

THEORETICAL DRAWINGS OF LEBRON JAMES

(CORBIN SMITH, the author of this blog, is at best a C- visual artist, capable of painting a crude yet  charming whale or a tree (His friend Charlie once compared his drawings to those of an unsettling child), but not a complicated image that would communicate and idea about something. With this in mind, he now presents a series of images for you to conjure, either in your head or on paper, of the famous basketball player Lebron James, whose free agency has swept the world like a madness.)

Lebron James as a tank, a tank with Lebron's head where the turret and the gun sticking out of his mouth. The body of the tank is exposed, and there are two choices for armor, one with Miami Heat insignia and one with Cleveland Cavilers insignia. Dwyane Wade is standing on the former, Kyrie Irving on the latter. They are dressed like Sargents.

Lebron James in a pastoral setting. He is picking fruit from an orchard. His mind seems far from the free agency hype. The fruit he is picking is tiny little basketballs.

PANEL ONE: Lebron James is digging a hole. PANEL TWO: Lebron James finds two gold nuggets. PANEL THREE: Lebron James continues digging. PANEL FOUR: Lebron James is drowned in black oil. PANEL FIVE: The oil turns into Tim Duncan.

Lebron James looks out of his war dirigible, overlooking a basketball game. He is in full Napoleon regalia. There is a hint of melancholy across his face, but no regrets.

Lebron James is at a dinner party. The host has made basketballs for dinner, and Lebron is trying to subtly feed them to their dog underneath the table because they are overcooked.

Lebron James is a jet stream and all the other NBA players are clouds. Durant is an airplane flying against the wind.

Lebron James standing outside of a mine. He has harvested all of the earth's coal. Death stands above him.

Lebron James dressed as a neon pink grim reaper, chasedowing the layup attempts of children wearing Joy Division t-shirts.

Lebron James leaning on the side of a vegan restaurant, eating a corndog that looks like a basketball.

Lebron James in a family portrait with four Wayne Gretzkies, aged 10, 20, 30, and 40.

Lebron James is the frontman of a Yo La Tengo cover band but they're playing "Big Dipper" by Built to Spill because he doesn't know the difference. In another drawing they're playing "Detroit Has a Skyline."