Monday, September 22, 2014


My Favorite NBA Days of the Year:

  1. The first day of the rookie combine. I love watching drills and learning shit from drills.

  1. Free Agency. I LIVE FOR FREE AGENCY

  1. Power. Rankings. Any day with a power ranking that day is the fucking shit. That’s usually Monday. I also see my therapist on Monday and I think she is a little annoyed that I always spend 40 minutes talking about various power rankings at the top of out session but fuck her, I pay good money so she has to listen to me talk about what is important to ME.

  1. Media. Day.

My favorite thing about media day is everything. I like when my favorite athletes answer questions and I like seeing pictures of them that will appear in promotional materials all year. I fucking love promotional materials. Look at me with my favorite promotional material:

Don’t worry, I put it back in its vacuum sealed bag (I get them on the cheap by using my lungs to suck the air out of Ziplocs).

The good shit is when an athlete answers silly questions by either
  1. Having a very direct answer that lets you know they are tuned into the culture at large
  2. Seeming pretty weirded out in a way that mimics my own alienation from things that don’t conform to straight maleness.

The hot questions this year is “Hey, you hear that Superbass song” and the hot answers are “Yeah!” then they sing the chorus a little or “Uhh, no?” all incredulous like “I seem like I like girl shit to you.” Oh man when I round those answers up in a post I am going to get 200-500 hits on that shit.

I don’t need to extol the virtues of platitudes to you. They are great. The Bible is made of platitudes. Someday there will be a second Bible called Bible 2 with all the best platitudes and stories about good athletes in it. There will also be some Iraq War whitewashing.

Can’t wait for “We’re here to win this year” proclamations. I will believe everyone. My dream NBA is everyone going 41-41 so that the playoffs are decided using arcane strength of schedule determinations.

But this is all prelude. The best shit in media day is portraits. When I was a kid I used to get my yearbook and look at that thing for hours and hours. So imagine my hard-on when I saw that even after I graduated from school, the NBA continue to give me that rush year after year.

I have collected some of my favorite NBA portrait day standards below. I am wearing my jersey I wear with my Vancouver Parks and Recreation team, the Hazel Dell Hot Dads. (Most of the men on our have children. Me and my wife, Claudia Richards, are too focused on our careers as a Professors of Women’s Studies and a Famous Basketball Blogger, respectively. I am not crazy about the name because it doesn’t properly represent me but I suppose that I am closer to a Hot Dad than Anthony Davis to a big-ass sea bird.)

This is the “Two hand ball grip” pose. You take the ball and hold it with both hands. This is a fundamental basketball pose, because you can’t turn over the ball if you have two vice grips on either side. It shows that you are the master of the ball.

Look guys, face it. When you are selling basketball, you’re not just selling dribbling and shooting, You selling Sex, capital S, the Sex Brand. This pose shows off your bicep, which is a very Sex centric muscle you need to dominate on the basketball and Sex courts.

You’re a casual guy! Is that a beer over there? We’re having a good time, I can drink one of those cold ones responsibility! Not so many that I can’t get a few shots up before bed!

Action pose. GUARDS AND WINGS ONLY. If your big man is going this pose, you need to be worried for the season ahead. Call your team’s front office and proclaim that you aren’t comfortable with the direction of the franchise. If they don’t listen, send them a PHYSICAL LETTER voicing your concerns for six months. If they still don’t address their dribbling big man problem, call a sports radio show and calmly voice your complaint in public. There is a process for these things if you want change to happen. DO NOT SKIP ANY OF THE STEPS.

Action pose, acceptable for all players. The player is looking for a good pass, so their team can make 2 points on the board.

I have some sources in the NBA and they’re all saying that the hot new trend in NBA Portraits this year is pictures with cats. Adam Silver loves cats and he wields a lot of power. He thinks this will take Media Day's viralality from 70 to 120 I’m not sure what SPECIFICALLY is going to happen with the Cats, but I think this is a reasonable ballpark.

I hope this post has whetted your appetite for Media Day. I know an appetizer like this can’t feed you and your family’s cravings for shit to write about the way Media Day NEVER fails to do, but I hope I have at least prepared you for the deluge of cat pictures on the way.

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