Tuesday, December 30, 2014


Wow, has it really been ten thousand years? It feels like we were watching “The King” play in his St. Vincent uniform just 12 years ago. But calendars don’t lie, and Lebron has been since nearly  8000 BCE. Here are some of his best moments, which I have seen in deep in the eyes of my time chrystal after breathing in an instance made of lavender grown in a powerful lava flow which contains the secrets of the past.

Here are his best moments:

5986 BCE: Lebron is born. The shack where he emerged is immediately struck by lightning. Historians say this was the Gods’ last minute attempt to kill him before he became too powerful to handle.

5973 BCE: A teenage Lebron becomes the leader of a pride of lions when he defeats their leader in single combat. His two year stint with the pride gives him the ability to communicate with any animal, and to manipulate more weak willed creatures.

5950 BCE: LeBron builds a crude canoe from an ancient tree that was befallen by a small meteor strike. He uses his animal handling powers to manipulate a dolphin into dragging him across the ocean.

5949 BCE: He floats down the Ohio River and founds ancient Akron.

5807 BCE: Lebron founds the first Christmas tree farm in Northern California. This tree farm will someday be christened “Redwood National and State Parks.”

4017 BCE: Lebron picks up a ball for the first time. He invents the crossover dribble and the fadeaway, but since basketball doesn’t exist yet, his innovations languish more nearly 6,000 years.

3997 BCE: Lebron having lived a very long time, decides that it is time to die. He walks into the ocean, but right before he drowns, a vision of light appears to him: “IT IS NOT TIME.” Lebron swims back to the shore and continues his wandering, burdened, as are we all, with the curse of life.

3506 BCE: Lebron climbs a mountain and meditates there for 507 years.

2999 BCE: Lebron’s Great Meditation is over. In this time, he has communed with the deepest depths of the atom and the vastness of planets. He is also very hungry, so he eats for ten years straight.

2989 BCE Lebron’s Great Feast is over. In this time he has eaten nearly every plant and animal on Earth, and perfected a method of growing beans from seed in five minutes by planting them in a live whale. This method is never utilized by agrarians.

2955 BCE: Lebron obsesses over visiting the moon. He spends fifty years chasing this pursuit, only to be met with failure after failure. It is the low point of his life thus far, until he can’t win a title in Cleveland.

2041 BCE: Lebron crossbreeds some plants in his ancient greenhouse and invents sweet, sweet cannabis. He holds the sweet smoke in his lungs for the first time in history. The Gods descend. “We knew this day would come. You have beaten us. We accept our fate.” Lebron exhaled right in their faces. They exploded, and their fiery guts got in the plants, fertilizing them with the power of the Gods. Whenever you partake of the kind plant, you are become one with the power of the ancient powers.

1955 BCE: Overwhelmed by the constant noise of human civilization, Lebron swims to the bottom of the ocean and lives inside a giant clam for ten years.

1754 BCE: Present at the unveiling of the Code of Hammurabi. He yells “MORE LIKE THE CODE OF HAMMUSHITTY!” with his hand over his mouth. Everyone else in the crowd laughs. They are summarily executed.

1361 BCE: Daps Moses.

850 BCE: Shadow funds the Assyrian Empire out of boredom.

700 BCE: Trains the she-wolf that raises Romulus and Remus.

320 BCE: Is present when Alexander the Great weeps and mourns that there are no worlds left to conquer. He taps on Alexander’s shoulder. “Uhh, Alex, there’s like, a whole giant world you haven’t conquered yet. There are four continents you don’t even know about.”

224 BCE: Goes to China. An excerpt about his trip from his diary: “Hey, this is pretty cool. People should get to know more about this place.” This passage inspired Marco Polo AND Richard Nixon.

0 CE: Is one of the Kings present for the birth of Jesus. He gives him a gift of the finest cannabis oil. “Woah, woah,” said Joseph, who was extremely lame, “You can’t give drugs to a baby.” The Christchild arose from the manger. “Woah, woah J-man. The sweetest of all sweet plants is not a DRUG. Is it a magic carpet that takes you on a consequence-free journey where you touch my father’s beautiful face. It is the greatest of all plants, and the best gift I have received today.” Christbaby looked at the other kings. “You guys did what you could, but this, this is the good shit.” Then he took some of the oil, stuck it between his fingers, lit it up by making a tiny fire in his hands, and smoked it till it was gone. “Oh man. Lebron, you are truly the best king.” Then they high fived so hard it split the clouds in half.

400 CE: The King of the Huns asks Lebron what the name of his heir should be. He suggests “Atrilla the Hun.” The name is workshopped, but they keep the basic structure.

573 CE: Celebrity guest at the opening of the Hagia Sophia.

621 CE: After a petty argument over tree removal with a local priest, Lebron funds the operations of the Prophet Muhammed.

1000 CE: Is very briefly named the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire. Abdicates the throne to Otto the Great because he “Doesn’t like all this paperwork.”

1153 CE: Speaks to the Pope about the Crusades. “This is pretty silly, seriously. Silly and insane. YOu should stop.” “We will agree to disagree.” “Ehh, I don’t think we should. You should change your mind.”

1320 CE: Present at the birth of The Renaissance, when famous Frieze Sculptor Antonio De Blurzzi pooped in a bucket in front of gathered museum patrons.

1400-1750 CE: Lived in Sweden.

1784 CE: Published “A General Treatise on the Theoretical Sporting of Ring Ball” a pamphlet that proposed a crude version of basketball.

1814 CE: An estate he owned in Melba served as the location of Napoleon's first exile. His shoddy landlording compelled Napoleon to return to France and declare war on all of Europe once more.

1893 CE: First reads about basketball in a newspaper.

1943: Spends 50 Years training in a pressurized chamber in a bid to become the ultimate basketball player.

1993: Plays in his first AAU game.

1999: Accepted a scholarship to attend St. Vincent-St. Mary’s in Akron Ohio, the city he founded more than 7,000 years ago.

2002: Appears on the cover of Sports Illustrated for the first time. His games are shown on ESPN.

2003: Drafted first overall by the Cleveland Cavaliers.

2007: Appears in his first NBA Finals, losing to the Spurs 4 games to 0.

2010: Leaves the Cavs to play for the Miami Heat. Appears in four straight NBA Finals and wins two titles, in 2012 and 2013. 

2013: Dunks on Jason Terry.

2014: Leaves the Heat to return to Cleveland.

WHAT A LIFE! What is next for Lebron James!? WIll he win another title with the Cavs, or LEAVE and play somewhere else!? KEEP WATCHING TO FIND OUT!

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