Saturday, July 5, 2014

Pine trees

Look here kids. I’ve been sitting here watching you play basketball for the last half an’ hour and I just couldn’t help myself anymore. You’ve taken a beautiful game and defiled it over and over and I won’t stand for it. You need some coaching, and as it happens, I was once an associate coach for an NBA team.

You, six-foot tall boy. Stand here, right to the left of the paint. You’re the big man here, and you need to intimidate your opponents. See that girl holding the ball? Scowl at her. Really mean mug. She doesn’t get in YOUR paint, son. Sorry, what? Why are you whispering? Oh, I see. You have romance feelings for her. Let me tell you something about love, Jeff. Don’t tell me your real name, please, your name is Jeff. It’s all flefpfpf. You’ll go through all these experiences, loving another person and them loving you back and whatnot and they’ll be all messed up all kinds of stuff mixed together.

Jeff, you ever see the big man execute a poor contact show on a pick and roll? Last month, I’m watching the playoffs at Best Buy, and I see this, this… Argentinian fella, you kids know the Argentine fella? No, not, uh, Guh-nobli the other one with the shoulder length hair? Scola! Yeah, Scola. Anyway, he is guarding a 3-4 pick and roll with Lebron James as the ball handler, you kids know about this Lebron James fella? Doesn't get in there and set screens enough for me but I get what he’s going for out there. So this Lebron James is coming off the screen, and the Argentinian fella goes to perform a contact show on the play, steps out to whack the ballhandler a little and slow down the development of the play and I’ll be damned he just got flat run over like he was made of paper or something. You know for a second I thought maybe he was trying to get a call or something but I really think he just got whuup, pow, knocked right the fuck over by the Lebron fella. It was the worst contact show I ever seen in my life, lemme tell ya. No resistance, just a paper tiger getting wsshh blown out the middle.

Anyway, Big Man, I’m standing there and I watch this contact show and in that moment I am just bprchhuh rush of memories right there, my marriage of ten years just laid out in front of me. I remember all the time she wanted me to go do something like visit her parents or go on a spa retreat or be there for the birth of our child and I just couldn't because I needed to in the film room for the team, looking at film or trying to get our guys on the game plan so we can go out there and win and also so, and listen everyone, this is important for everyone, some other assistant from some, like, Rutgers or something can’t come in and take my job from me, because then where would we be, right? Everyone is always trying to take something from you and you and you and you and you and you and you and if you’re not working hard you’re hardly going to be working. Snappy wording for you guys there, I always thought that would be in my book I wrote to inspire people when I was taking a break from coaching, which I was absolutely going to do once I got some head coaching, playoff-type head coaching under my belt.

Anyway so In my experience, being with a person in like a love relationship is like that botched contract show. You’re trying to work around the screen so you can prevent a shot and the other person has the specific responsibility of making space for you so you can get in a good defensive position and prevent penetration or make a good contest on the jump shot but there they are just whuup pew chee all fallin’ down on the hardwood and leaving this guy totally open bang-bang, three point shot right in your mug until one day you’re just screaming and screaming and screaming “Coach get this guy outta here, these contact shows are terrible and I just can’t handle it anymore.” Then they take that other guy out, but I guess he kinda got a lot of your money and custody of your child? Maybe your child is like, the ball? No, I get it now, SHE is messing up contact shows over and over, but then I get yanked for it and I don’t think that’s fair, personally? But she’s a star player from Argentina or something, with long black hair that fell to her shoulders and smelled like a pine tree because of the shampoo she uses in the locker room before the game.

What I am trying to get at here, is that you need to patrol the paint and don’t let anyone intimidate you, even if there a girl and you’re attracted to that girl. It just occurred to me that y’all are playing a co-ed game here, and I am not used to that kind of setup NORMALLY but I am looking for some new challenges. Here is my phone number, lemme write that on your hand. Hey, you too, in case this one wipes off. Hey, How about I just write on everyone’s hand? Have your parents call me, I am working at a discount right now, but you guys can probably get me at a steeper discount than that discount because I am REALLY in need of a little bit of extra scratch. I am sure there’s a co-ed league out there I can really dominate, get some wins on my resume and really get this car revvin' again.

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