Thursday, August 14, 2014


The NBA Schedule was released yesterday and the world rejoiced. Now we know everything: when will one team play another team? How often? How many games will they play? (All teams are playing 82 Games, just like BATUM predicted.) How many times will a team play in a series of games that seems unfair? The schedule if the nutrient rich soil the players plant seeds in, to become the plants of basketball

There is a healthy amount of “Randomness” in the schedule. Every team has certain parameters (The Spurs, for instance, need to be out of town during The San Antonio Stock Show & Rodeo) but the rest of the schedule is determined by the whims of television programmers and half hearted attempts to keep teams from playing too many games at once. These machinations are so complex, so arcane, that they are, like molecules at the quantum level, influenced by cosmic forces. God does not play dice.

When I was in college, I happened upon a scroll in the Evergreen woods that taught me the fine art of predicting the future with the NBA Schedule. I solicited my friends on social media for the questions that keep them up at night. Here are the answers they seek, divined from the murky depths of the NBA Schedule.

FLAGRANT FOUL (@flgrntfwl) Asks: “Ok then I want to know what I am going to get for Christmas.”

One might assume that I will consult the Christmas Day games for the answers to Mr. Fowl’s inquiry: but they are merely a jumping off point:

As you can plainly see, the Bulls will be playing the Nets at 12:00, the universally accepted time for family gift-opening. You might think that this indicates that Mr Fowl will receive a Bull and/or Net related gift. Perhaps a string bag full of bull meat. But you would have forgotten to cross reference the OTHER games that Chiacgo and Brooklyn will be playing:

March Third! What happened on March Third?

His accomplishments?

An eye opening that depletes all reserves? What does that describe?

An expensive, both monetarily and spiritually, gift that changes your vision: It truly can only be Google Glass. Congratulations on your new Google Glass. (DISCLAIMER: If you open gifts at a different time, It could be something complete different.)

CAITLIN OBOM (@cptfunk) INQUIRES TO THE SPIRITS: “Was Grandma Baker proud of me?”

All recently dead people have spirits, and those spirits have a profound effect on the NBA Schedule. To find Caitlin’s grandma, I thought about her name: “BAKER.” A person who uses heat to make flour rise: The answer would found on the hottest day of the NBA Season. A consultation of the Spiritual Farmers Almanac (The only farmer’s almanac for clarvoyents.) found that April 14th would be the hottest day of the NBA season:

Flour is, of course, made from wheat. The wheat stalks I have superimposed on this picture point to Boston, Charlotte, San Antonio, and Minnesota. Celtics, Hornets, Spurs, Timberwolves:


Now this might SEEM like a nonsense image, but look at the fifth staly of wheat: it points AWAY from Golden State. This cowboy is a antipioneer, leaving California after his failure in the gold rush. He can’t even afford a horse, had to settle for an inferior Rideable Hornet. He is so broken that he is trying to get wood back from some wolves, that’s how valuable mere scraps of wood have become to him.

Your Grandma Baker sees your potential, Caitlin, so sees all the skills you have with horsecraft. You might feel small, but you are a cowboy. She doesn’t understand why you’re going backwards. YOu might have had some failures in your life, but that’s no reason to go back East. “Continue West, Caitlin, my dear! Work to find profits in emerging markets! China is your destiny, Caitlin!

BRIDGET SIEVERS (@magnesiumqueen) ASKS: “Is Sheila ever going to notice me?”

Questions of love are easily answered by ther NBA Schedule, a surprise because only nerds who will never find love are looking at it. We just seperate the sounds in Shelia’s name, “SHE” and “LA.” SHE, of course lines up perfectly with CHArlotte and LA is a dinger for LA (Clippers) (If her name was SheiLAL, it would indicate the Lakers) We then look up their Matchups:

As you can plainly see, both of these matchups occur of a WEDnsday. Two WEDS indicate that not only will Shelia notice you on New Year’s Day, but you are destined to be WED by January 22nd. Congratulations on your three week engagement!

KLOBB (@PanFriedButt) ASKS: “Will there ever be a rainbow?”

Well, Klobb, determining whether or not a rainbow will occur during the basketball season involves getting into to weather predicting qualities of the NBA Schedule and….

Oh my god.

Oh my god are you seeing this

It’s… it’s…

THis was all supposed to be for fun and games at first, but this is getting serious. It… it all makes sense now.

Lebron James didn’t return to Cleveland to win a title in Ohio! What was Lee Jenkins even thinking!? That team has to rim protection! I mean, starting center Brendan Hawwood… ...former WIZARD BRENDAN HAYWOOD! Wait, maybe I’m overreacting. I better look at the scroll again. No, Wait. It’s all there. Four O’Clock. The World Hits the WALL, that’s John Wall. A KING, in Canada, Toronto is in Canada. Apricots, that lines up perfectly with EPCOT… I just… I didn’t think it would happen in my lifetime!

(Clears throat) Ladies and Gentlemen. I have an announcement. The Cleveland/Washington Cross, the one foretold by prophesies, has appeared in the NBA Schedule. Please, take all children out of the room. They shouldn’t have to listen to this.

The Cross foretells horrible things. What specifically, I cannot say. Earthquakes, plagues, terrorism. A wave of unstoppable degeneracy overtaking all people. It will happen. There is very little we can do to stop it. Mayhaps if we got the entire human population on a rocket to the moon, hid out from the period of Tip-off between Washington and Atlanta on on February 19th, then came back after Clevland and Toronto had finished their game… but even then, nothing is certain. THe Earth’s pulse is wired into each and every one of our bodies. We might just wreak havoc on the surface of the moon!

There is a religious tradition out there, a cultic tradition, that suggests that the cross is actually a time of rebirth. These monks, who I will not name here, are liars and blasphemers.

The only way to stop The Cross is to cancel the game between the Cavs and the Magic on that date. It can never start, for it will trigger the beginning of a horrible time for humanity. Please, everyone Write the NBA, tell them to cancel the game! Send a self addressed and postage marked letter to:

NBA Main Office 
645 Fifth Avenue
New York NY 10022

DEMANDING that the NBA cancel the game and postpone The Cross! Get at the players on social media, telling them to boycott! (Lebron James is @KingJames, Kevin Love @KevinLove, Kyle O’Quinn @Kyle_OQuinn)

This game must be stopped AT ANY COST!

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