DISPATCHES FROM CORBIN SMITH'S BASKETBALL CAMP: GRADUATION DAY

(All week, Biscutball is telling you about what's happening at Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, a basketball camp where famous blogger Corbin Smith teaches you how to dunk. Here is day one's entry and day two's entry and day three's entry and day four's entry.)

Every year when the end of Corbin’s Basketball Camp comes, I say “Wow, that sure was something, I better not do it again, I am exhausted!” But then when I see the faces of the children I taught to dunk, I just can’t help myself, also when I see my bank account after we’re done with the camp because we make pretty good money off of this. It’s a guaranteed system that teaches people how to dunk, that’s a valuable commodity! I could probably charge more but I’m not a greedy person so I do not.

When everyone arrived today I sat them down. “Wow everyone, you’ve worked really hald and drank a lot of PureGreen brand protein shakes. I’m impressed. You are all winners here, because now you can dunk. But before we get to that, I have a special guest.”

“OH MAN, WHO IS IT!” Yelled one kid from the back “IS IT A CAT?”

“No, it’s not a cat! Even better! It’s...”

And then he stepped out from the Social Justice and Religious Tolerance Library and the kids just went berserk.

“CROATIAN BASKETBALL STAR MARIN ROSIC”

When I first met Marin, he was a mess. Sure, he was a Six-Seven, 220 pound small forward with handle and shooting ability. Sure, he was making a wonderful living for himself playing basketball in the Croatian and Adriatic Leagues. But all of this material wealth and success meant nothing to Marin: he had a spiritual sickness:

He could not dunk a basketball.

He would try to hide from his teammates. “Ja samo volim raditi layups. Potapanje stavlja pritisak na koljena pred igri.” (Roughly translates to “I just love doing layups. Immersion pressure on your knees before the game” When you translate it to Arabic and then to English) He faked his way through philosophical debates where he argued that layups were cooler than dunks, made himself look like a dummy in front of his friends. Whenever he would go on dates, women would think he was a weirdo for not offering to do some windmills after dinner. It was a hard life.

The first thing I did was tell Marin, “Hey, buddy. You’ve been thinking about this all wrong. You have to release yourself from the fear of dunking. You think osprey aren’t wary when they have to dive in the water to snatch up a fine trout for dinner? You have to power through the fear a bird has when it’s flying into water, the land of fish and a place where they could drown; that fear lives in all of us, Marin. Also, you need to drink this smoothie. It has a new protein powder in it (PureGreen was still in the prototype phase back then.) that will give you large hop (I hadn’t coined “Big Bounce” yet) and help you slam basketball in hoop (I hadn’t heard the word “Dunk” in a non-gerund form yet.)

Pretty soon, Marin was dunking his way to a better life. Appearances in the Olympics and ads for local Croatian Delicatessens made him famous and wealthy. But he never forgot me, and the great work I am doing here in Vancouver, WA every summer, teaching the youth of the world how to dunk.

“Children,” he said “My English is not great, but I want to impart some wisdom on you, so universal that it truly transcends the artificial boundaries created between nations and languages. Children, youths, young people, do not use your dunking for the purposes of evil. When the man in the suit approaches you; and they will approach because they live for this, and says ‘Young man or woman, I run an illegal diamond mine and I want you to bring some of your dunks by to entertain me and my middle managers,” you need to say something like, and my English isn’t TERRIFIC, so feel free to modify it to make more sense: ‘Sir. My dunking ability, given to me by the Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, is not for this world’s evil and immoral people to profit off. It is for in game scenarios when my team needs two points, because it is the highest percentage shot in the game of basketball.”

One by one, the kids in the auditorium took to their feet. They were clapping. Some had tears in their eyes. One tore off his jersey to reveal a chest tattoo that read “I ONLY DUNK FOR PEACE.” But they had one thing in common: after a week at Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, they could all dunk a basketball on a regulation 10-Foot rim.

At the graduation ceremony, after everyone had dunked a basketball for the first time, I looked all the children straight in the eye and shook their hands. They were no longer my students. They left my classroom the second they crammed that ball in the rim and entered the adult world. They might not all become professional basketball players; most of the will, certainly, because they can dunk a basketball and that’s 80% of being a pro ballplayer, but they will all know that with determination and PureGreen brand protein powder smoothies, they can accomplish anything.

CORBIN SMITH BASKETBALL CAMP

THIS AUGUST. CORBIN SMITH, LEGENDARY BASKETBLOGGER, IS SHARING THE DEPTHS OF HIS BASKETBALL KNOWLEDGE WITH THE YOUTH OF AMERICA

FAQ:

WHAT WILL MY CHILDREN LEARN AT CORBIN SMITH BASKETBALL CAMP???

Corbin: Wow, what a good question. The first thing we teach is dunking. My methods are foolproof, I can teach anyone at any size to make a dunk. Boy or girl or most breeds of dog, if they  follow my methods they  can dunk a ball for sure. Then we teach the fundamentals of dunking in game. Dunking is great but you probably don't want your kid in some AND1 Mixtape type program. When I teach your kid to dunk in game, he or she will probably be in the NBA someday. They will at least be able to compete in the Adriatic League, like my former student Marin Rozic

WILL MY CHILD HAVE FOOD TO EAT AT THIS CAMP

Corbin: Excellent question! I am glad you are concerned for your child's well being, because I am as well. Every child who is learning how to dunk is going to need protein. Protein is the source of "Big bounce" in the human leg, according to leading scientists in both the fields of bounce and leg. To facilitate this process, I give every child multiple (5) daily servings of PureGreen Brand Protein Powder. This protein powder has the same protein density as human muscle, but unlike other powders that stake this claim it is made of plants. As a longtime vegetarian (Almost five (5) years) I think the use of human meat in these protein powders is morally wrong. I will not give ANY meat to your child. 

WHERE IS YOUR CAMP TAKING PLACE?

Corbin: Thank you for asking me for this critical piece of information, I might not have remembered otherwise. The UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST CHURCH OF VANCOUVER WASHINGTON has an activity room where we (Me and my wife, Claudia Richards, who runs the camp on a day to day basis while I pump out exciting web content on the topic of Basketball at biscutball.blogspot.com) have set up several (3-4) adjustable basketball rims. I know that this might be a red flag, but I promise: we will not lower the rims below ten feet to baby your child into easy dunks. I WILL NOT COMPROMISE ON GIVING YOUR CHILD THE SKILLS AND STRENGTHS NECESSARY TO DUNK ON A REGULATION RIM.

WHAT TIME IS THE CAMP, WHEN CAN I DROP MY CHILDREN OFF AT THE UUVC FOR A DAY OF LEARNING?

Corbin: Time is really important, and you recognizing that means that you're a smart person with a lot of really awesome priories. The camp starts at Nine O'Clock in the morning (9:00 AM) and ends at Three O'Clock in the afternoon (3:00 PM) If you CANNOT pick up your child at three, we will watch them for an extra hour for moderate remuneration (ten dollars). There are many interesting books in the UUVC about interesting topics, like religious tolerance and liberal activist action in your community, like promoting tolerance for homosexuals and people with other types of values. If your child stays late, you can be CONFIDENT that they will NEVER use their ability to dunk on any defender, big or small, to promote narrow religious philosophies that seek to exclude people for their differences, like they do at other basketball camps, like, for instance, Adrian Dantley's basketball camp.

HOW MUCH MONEY DO I NEED TO PAY FOR THE GIFT OF DUNKING, A GIFT THAT EVERY CHILD DESERVES AND FOR WHICH PRICE IS NO OBJECT?

Corbin: Money is a sensitive subject and it took a lot of courage to ask me about it. I don't think you're being rude, just practical, which is what you need to get by in today's world. You would think that I might gauge you, considering how valuable a career in basketball can be. For instance, famous basketball player Michael Jordan is worth more than one billion (1*10^9) dollars. I could charge you a lot of money, but as you, a reader of biscutball.blogspot.com likely have already assumed, I am a charitable person and a poet and artist at heart! If you give me and my wife 485 dollars per child, your child can attend my camp. Think about everything your child is getting for this pathetically tiny amount of money: 1. The Ability to Dunk. 2. 25 Servings of PureGreen Brand Protein Powder, which has a retail value of nearly 50 dollars (We don't pay that much, because we buy in bulk for this event and for our everyday lives) 3. The CONFIDENCE that comes along with dunking a basketball and having a career as a professional basketball player 4. A t-shirt with a picture of my face on the front and a small poem I wrote on the back. Oh, thank you for this check, you decided it was worth it already, before I even finished this question. I will put it in the bank account I share with my wife and WE will see YOUR CHILD at the UNITARIAN CHURCH ready to LEARN TO DUNK.