DISPATCHES FROM CORBIN SMITH'S BASKETBALL CAMP: GRADUATION DAY

(All week, Biscutball is telling you about what's happening at Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, a basketball camp where famous blogger Corbin Smith teaches you how to dunk. Here is day one's entry and day two's entry and day three's entry and day four's entry.)

Every year when the end of Corbin’s Basketball Camp comes, I say “Wow, that sure was something, I better not do it again, I am exhausted!” But then when I see the faces of the children I taught to dunk, I just can’t help myself, also when I see my bank account after we’re done with the camp because we make pretty good money off of this. It’s a guaranteed system that teaches people how to dunk, that’s a valuable commodity! I could probably charge more but I’m not a greedy person so I do not.

When everyone arrived today I sat them down. “Wow everyone, you’ve worked really hald and drank a lot of PureGreen brand protein shakes. I’m impressed. You are all winners here, because now you can dunk. But before we get to that, I have a special guest.”

“OH MAN, WHO IS IT!” Yelled one kid from the back “IS IT A CAT?”

“No, it’s not a cat! Even better! It’s...”

And then he stepped out from the Social Justice and Religious Tolerance Library and the kids just went berserk.

“CROATIAN BASKETBALL STAR MARIN ROSIC”

When I first met Marin, he was a mess. Sure, he was a Six-Seven, 220 pound small forward with handle and shooting ability. Sure, he was making a wonderful living for himself playing basketball in the Croatian and Adriatic Leagues. But all of this material wealth and success meant nothing to Marin: he had a spiritual sickness:

He could not dunk a basketball.

He would try to hide from his teammates. “Ja samo volim raditi layups. Potapanje stavlja pritisak na koljena pred igri.” (Roughly translates to “I just love doing layups. Immersion pressure on your knees before the game” When you translate it to Arabic and then to English) He faked his way through philosophical debates where he argued that layups were cooler than dunks, made himself look like a dummy in front of his friends. Whenever he would go on dates, women would think he was a weirdo for not offering to do some windmills after dinner. It was a hard life.

The first thing I did was tell Marin, “Hey, buddy. You’ve been thinking about this all wrong. You have to release yourself from the fear of dunking. You think osprey aren’t wary when they have to dive in the water to snatch up a fine trout for dinner? You have to power through the fear a bird has when it’s flying into water, the land of fish and a place where they could drown; that fear lives in all of us, Marin. Also, you need to drink this smoothie. It has a new protein powder in it (PureGreen was still in the prototype phase back then.) that will give you large hop (I hadn’t coined “Big Bounce” yet) and help you slam basketball in hoop (I hadn’t heard the word “Dunk” in a non-gerund form yet.)

Pretty soon, Marin was dunking his way to a better life. Appearances in the Olympics and ads for local Croatian Delicatessens made him famous and wealthy. But he never forgot me, and the great work I am doing here in Vancouver, WA every summer, teaching the youth of the world how to dunk.

“Children,” he said “My English is not great, but I want to impart some wisdom on you, so universal that it truly transcends the artificial boundaries created between nations and languages. Children, youths, young people, do not use your dunking for the purposes of evil. When the man in the suit approaches you; and they will approach because they live for this, and says ‘Young man or woman, I run an illegal diamond mine and I want you to bring some of your dunks by to entertain me and my middle managers,” you need to say something like, and my English isn’t TERRIFIC, so feel free to modify it to make more sense: ‘Sir. My dunking ability, given to me by the Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, is not for this world’s evil and immoral people to profit off. It is for in game scenarios when my team needs two points, because it is the highest percentage shot in the game of basketball.”

One by one, the kids in the auditorium took to their feet. They were clapping. Some had tears in their eyes. One tore off his jersey to reveal a chest tattoo that read “I ONLY DUNK FOR PEACE.” But they had one thing in common: after a week at Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, they could all dunk a basketball on a regulation 10-Foot rim.

At the graduation ceremony, after everyone had dunked a basketball for the first time, I looked all the children straight in the eye and shook their hands. They were no longer my students. They left my classroom the second they crammed that ball in the rim and entered the adult world. They might not all become professional basketball players; most of the will, certainly, because they can dunk a basketball and that’s 80% of being a pro ballplayer, but they will all know that with determination and PureGreen brand protein powder smoothies, they can accomplish anything.

DISPATCHES FROM CORBIN SMITH'S BASKETBALL CAMP: DAY FOUR

(All week, Biscutball is telling you about what's happening at Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, a basketball camp where famous blogger Corbin Smith teaches you how to dunk. Here is day one's entry and day two's entry and day three's entry.)

It’s getting to be crunch time at the Corbin Smith Basketball Camp. We’ve got the kids going as hard as we can do prepare them for their dunks tomorrow. Not everyone can handle it: one young boy, Caleb, broke down and started doing fundamental chests pasts into the wall of the gym at the Vancouver Unitarian Universalist Church of Vancouver’s gym. It took a whole hour of my wife, Claudia Richards, tempting him away with some extra PureGreen Powder to separate him from his PassHole.

So when everyone left for their homes where they live with their mothers, I was ready to go home and hit the hay bed I sleep in. But while Claudia and I were getting all the basketballs into bags, I felt a dark presence slither up my spine.

“Claudia, did you notice that?”

“Huh? What, Corbin?” Claudia’s advanced education (She is a Professor of Political and Moral Philosophy at St. Martin’s College in Lacey, WA, unlike myself, a self taught blogger who writes “From the gut” on the topic of Basketball) has made her less in tune to the world of spirits and spooks, the way I am.

“Clauida, close your eyes and just feel.”

Claudia closed her eyes like I suggested. “Having closed my eyes and shed my substantial education, I now feel what you feel: A ghostly presence in this room!”

A spectral voice revealed itself.

“Ooooohhhhh DuuuuUUUUUuuuuuunnnkkkk”

Claudia and I looked around the room. Left. Right. Forward. Claudia pointed

“Look, Corbin!”

And there he was: A young boy, not but 12 years old, wearing a red and blue basketball uniform and a pair of New Balance basketball shoes. His eyes were filled with sadness, like a very sad dog.

“Claudia, I think that boy is a ghost!”

“What should we do, Corbin?”

“Well, Claudia, I know that this knowledge has been educated out of you, but the only way to get rid of a ghost is to release him from his lingering attachments to this world so he can move on to the wheel of reincarnation. We should figure out what’s wrong!” I cleared my throat and spoke gently, as to not scare him off; “Young man! What is your name?”

“Corbin,” whispered Claudia, “why are you asking him what his name is?”

“Because, not everyone is an academic in academia, where everyone just knows everyone, I am trying to make him feel comfortable.”

“Myyyyy naaaaammmmmeee” said the ghost, his voice high pitched and very spooky, “Iiiiisssss Jeeeeeef”

“Why are you here, Jeff? What keeps you attached to this world?”

“I waaaaaannnttt toooooo leeeeeaaaaarrrnn hooooow tooooo duuuuuuunk”

“Well, Jeff, I think maybe it’s a little late for that…”

The lights turned on and off. The room filled with bad juju.

“Oh, no, Claudia, he’s turning into an evil spirit, what should I do?”

“I think I learned about this in my education: you need to give the aggressor what he wants and he will become more calm. Let me try!” Claudia cleared her throat, “Jeff, honey, We can help you learn how to dunk. We have a foolproof system that anyone can use to learn how to dunk!”

“I’ve heard that before!” Bellowed Jeff, the lights still turning on and off and in addition to that a table started flying in the air that I dodged using my very good reflexes, “That’s what Coach Meyers told me before the accident!”

“Wait a minute,” I said to Claudia “Coach Paul Meyers!”

“Oh my god, Paul Meyers! That coach that claims he can teach anyone to dunk a basketball!”

“That guy is a quack! He uses Whey based protein shakes with powder taken from exploited cows! It gives you some big bounce, but not all the big bounce you need, since whey protein isn’t the same density as human muscle! It works once, then the kids get lumpyleg and can’t get the same big bounce ever again. Not like me, I use PureGreen protein shakes, which have the same density as human muscle!”

“Jeff,” I said, “What happened to you! Tell us, so we can help you!”

The room was returned to a normal state, except all the basketball that we put in the bags were scattered around so we would have to pick them up again even after this really super hard day. “I got the worst case of Lumpyleg ever and I died from it. It was tragic and sad, but I just know that if I could just dunk a basketball, everything would be better”

I knew what I had to do. “Wait here with him Claudia, I need to go into the Social Justice library for a second.” I picked up a glass of PureGreen protein shake and headed into the library while I was on my way out I heard Claudia say “So are you interested in Politics and Morality?”

I went to the section of the Library where the members of the Unitarian Church keep the wands. I found one labeled TRANSMUTATION. I used it to turn the shake into a half-real-half-ghost shake that I could serve to Jeff. I went back into the gym, “Yeah, I would say that’s definitely one of my favorite morals, too; oh, hi Corbin, Jeff and I were talking about...”

“Jeff!” I interrupted my wife, which was rude and I apoligised for it over dinner, “drink this! It will temporarily bring you back to the physical world AND give your legs the big bounce they need to slam a basketball home!” Jeff drank it, and immediately manifested onto our plain of existence. I handed him a basketball. “Jeff, you have everything you need. Now take it straight to the hole.”

Jeff held the ball in his hands. He looked the the rim, and shed one tear. He looked at me and Claudia. “Thank you so much, Coach.” He took a dribble. Then another. Then another. He lept in the air with the ball in his palm. He wound his arm back. Then he threw it at the rim, and rammed it straight into the hoop while letting out a lusty “YEEEEEAAAHHH!” Then Jeff’s entire being evaporated into thin air, on its way to the wheel of reincarnation.

The dunk reverberated in my and Claudia’s hearts forever. Jeff is somewhere else now: maybe he’s a rabbit, or an elephant. I like to believe that he’s become a kangaroo, so that he can spend a whole life with the big bounce he needs to dunk a basketball.

http://thediamondtablet.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/karma-theapy-a-few-true-facts-about-karma/

DISPATCHES FROM CORBIN SMITH'S BASKETBALL CAMP: DAY THREE

(All week, Biscutball is telling you about what's happening at Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, a basketball camp where famous blogger Corbin Smith teaches you how to dunk. Here is day one's entry and day two's entry.)

 

It was a hard day at Corbin Smith’s basketball camp today. Everything was going great in the morning session, with many of the kids even managing to touch the net and even the rim. It’s the kind of thing that makes you get tears inside your eyes from happiness.

But a dark shadow was cast at lunchtime. Everyone was supposed to be drinking their PureGreen protein shakes, which contain PureGreen brand vegan protein powder, which is the exact density of human muscle and necessary for giving the children the big bounce they need to slam the ball home.

But one kid, named Matt Rufus, apparently didn’t get the memo.

As I was finishing my PureGreen protein shake, out of the corner of my eye I saw Matt eating what looked like a sandwich.

“HEY!” I yelled. “What are you eating, Mark!?”

“Uhh, my name is Matt.”

“Whatever your name is (this was disrespectful, but I was justifiably angry) tell me what this is you’re eating!”

The room got silent. Everyone knew what Matt’s mistake was.

“It’s a turkey sandwich.”

“Why are you eating a turkey sandwich!?”

“My mom packed it for me.”

“Uhh, does she not know about the PureGreen protein shake, because it was PRETTY WELL COVERED IN THE BROCHURE.”

“She thought it might not be enough and…”

“WHAT!? Oh my god Matt, what are you talking about!? PureGreen protein has everything you need to get the big bounce your leg needs to slam it down big time!”

“Well I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was so ser…”

“HEY, MATT. Don’t apologize to me! Apologize to that poor turkey whose body you’re chowing down on like it’s your right, given to you by God!”

“...huh?”

“HUH!? HUH!? HUH!? God in heaven, Matt! I have to tell you about where that turkey came from!? Claudia,” I was talking to my wife, Claudia RIchards, “Get me the education kit!”

Claudia went into the Social Justice and Religious Tolerance library.

“Matt, I just want you to know that I am doing this for your own good, okay? For the good of your moral composition.”

Claudia brought in a small turkey costume and a cage. She handed the costume to Matt and said “Matt, you need to put this on. Go in the bathroom and change. The entire suit is reinforced with elastic, so don’t worry about it fitting.”

Matt left and came back in the costume. Some of the children started laughing until I stopped them.

“Hey! Stop it! This isn’t a joke, this is real life! This is a learning opportunity for everyone! Alright Matt, get in the cage.”

“I’m not sure…”

“MATT. I know that I am an exceptionally cool and understanding adult, but I am still an adult and you have to do what I say! CAGE!”

Matt crawled into the cage. I felt bad. Not for Matt, but that I wasn’t doing enough to liberate turkeys from the slavery and slaughter of factory farming. Of course, teaching kids how to dunk is just as important, so it passed pretty quickly.

“Matt, how do you feel right now?”

“Uhh, pretty bad?”

“THAT’S RIGHT MATT. And you know who else feels pretty bad, it’s the 300 Million Turkeys raised in cages and killed for their meat in the United States every year. They are denied anything resembling lives, force fed corn every day to fatten them up for slaughter, then killed without ceremony. Now, children, gather around the cage and make noises like distressed turkeys and slaughterhouse machinery, so Matt can understand what the horror of the meat turkey’s life is truly like.”

The children did an admirable job. Matt started crying, which is okay when you are finally realizing the truth about the horror of meat production.

“I’m sorry, turkeys of the world! I’m sorry! Now that I am experiencing it for myself, I truly understand! From now on, I will only eat PureGreen plant based protein powder! I didn’t know I diiiidddnnnn’tttt knooowwwww!”

Claudia let Matt out of the cage. He went to hug me but I stopped him because I am pretty sure that crosses a boundary.Then I dropped a bomb, I wasn’t ready to drop.

“Matt. Because you are a turkey sandwich in the middle of my program, you will never learn how to dunk. Getting PureGreen protein, which is the exact density of human muscle and the fuel for all big bounce, into your legs, is very important. Mixing the puregreen protein with Turkey meat, which is NOT the exact density as human muscle, makes your leg muscles lumpy and misshapen and totally unable to create the big bounce needed for dunking. You think Lebron James ever ate turkey? No. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Corbin. I understand. I need to pay for the sin of eating meat. This will be my penance. I will now live my life in hopes that I will be reincarnated as a six-ten NBA Power Forward who can slam the ball at will.”

DISPATCHES FROM CORBIN SMITH'S BASKETBALL CAMP: DAY TWO

(All week, Biscutball is telling you about what's happening at Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, a basketball camp where famous blogger Corbin Smith teaches you how to dunk. Here is day one's entry.)

One of my campers is a girl named Lauren and today she was working on the dunking drill and looked like she was getting really discouraged. So I pulled her aside and said “Hey is everything okay?”

“Well, Mr. Smith. I’m afraid that I’m never going to be able to dunk.”

“Woah, Laura,” (I didn’t know her name) “Hey you can call me Corbin, I’m a pretty informal adult. Anyone can dunk, okay, as long as they follow my foolproof system, which includes drinking PureGreen protein shakes, and I noticed that you didn’t totally finish your shake at lunch, you know those cost like 10 bucks a pop, right?”

“It’s just… I don’t think I can dunk, ever, because I’m a girl.”

“WOAH! Laura! I can’t believe I’m hearing this, in the 21st century! Laura, have you heard of Becky Hammond?”

“No.”

“Well, Laura, Becky Hammond told me that she couldn’t dunk too. But then after a week of my dunking drills and PureGreen protein shakes, to give her legs all the bounce they needed, she did it. She dunked a basketball. Then she said ‘Wow, Corbin, I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t lived it. You and your system are a genius. THen do you know what happened to Becky?”

“What, Corbin?”

“She abandoned her country to play for Russia in the Olympics. It was really disappointing, because it’s a real shame to see an American turn their back on Old Glory like that. Don’t be like Becky Hammond, but do at least be like her in that you complete the program and you will be able to dunk.”

“To be honest, I am having another problem that has been keeping me from reaching my full mental potential the court today.”

“Oh, really? Tell me about it Laura, I am listening and involved.”

“Ever since I turned 13, I have been followed everywhere by black cats and I also feel compelled to wear long black robes.”

“Laura, I think I know what’s going on. Has anything weird happened to any of your friends?”

“Well, a boy I had a crush on grew a third arm that kept petting him.”

“Laura when some girls turn about thirteen, they become teen witches. I think this is probably happening to you. See that basketball over there? I want you to point this at it” I gave her a wand I checked out of the Social Justice and Religious Tolerance Library in the Church “and turn it into a hamster.” Then Lauren did it almost perfect, except it was a hamster and not a gerbil because she didn't know the difference. I showed her some pictures on my phone to clear her confusion up.

“Laura you have an amazing gift, and you need to find someone to help you hone it. But I can’t do that today or ever, because I am just a normal mortal adult, not a Teen Witch who will someday blossom into a full blown witch. But I can teach you how to dunk, which is why you are here. But I can’t do it if you don’t drink ALL of the protein shake. Look, I will hook you up with another half a shake, because we had a real moment, but remember that that’s like five bucks and don’t like half measure it again, okay?”

It feel so good to connect with these kids it’s why I do it in addition to the money I make off of tuition.

DISPATCHES FROM CORBIN SMITH'S BASKETBALL CAMP: DAY ONE

“It’s always a good day when it’s the first day of your basketball camp.”

-Voltaire, on the first day of his basketball camp

“It’s always a good day when it’s the first day of your basketball camp,” I said my my wife, Claudia Richards, while we were setting up all the stuff at my basketball camp at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Vancouver in Vancouver, WA. I was quoting the famous French philosopher as I was saying this, he said it before one of his basketball camps for French children in the 17th Century. Claudia knew this, because during the “On-Season” she is an adjunct professor of Political and Social Philosophy at St. Martin’s University in Lacey, WA.

Like Voltaire, I am a writer who was putting on a basketball camp. Unlike Voltaire, I am a writer who writes about basketball, which meant that there was a lot of extra pressure on me to make it a good basketball camp. But I wasn’t worried; the space we were using had enough space for basketball hoops and several blenders, for making protein shakes with PureGreen brand vegan and soy free protein powder, which is a protein powder that is the exact density of human muscle. It’s the closer even than eating powdered human muscle, because of all the additives you need to make human muscle into powder, and a lot more moral than that because in my opinion and the opinion of my family, which is comprised of Claudia and our leather bound copy of Animal Liberation by the utilitarian philosopher Peter SInger, eating meat is an immoral act.

I wasn’t going to bring a whistle because I didn’t want to scare the children at the camp and I wanted my basketball camp to be a safe space but Claudia told me that these kids probably were used to whistles and it would be really shocking and unsafe, spacewise, if I didn’t have one. So I figure I will have a whistle at the beginning of the week, but then when we’re in a structured space already I will get rid of it and really promote a space for communication.

Most of the campers had already paid for their tuition over a paypal that my nephew James Stauffer (his mother took her husband’s name, which my family didn’t do for political reasons) but some of the campers’ parents had to pay with a check, which I took and put in a copy of a book I bought to read during down time (The book was “Salt: a World History”). I answered some of their questions like “Hey do you guys serve lunch?” (Yes, we have protein shakes all the kids have to eat) “What time do I need to pick my kids up?” (3:00 PM, or four, but we need ten more dollars) “Hey, are you absolutely sure my kid will be able to dunk after this?” (Yes) “Even if she is a girl?” (Oh yeah, especially if she is a girl)

Then we handed out the shirt we give to the campers that they wear as a uniform all week:

(hey guys be cool and don’t tell Amar’e Stoudemire or like anyone he’s friends with we put his picture on the shirt, I don’t even think he would notice because we blotted out his number and stuff)

So then I blew my whistle and said “Hey sorry if that scared anyone or hurt anyone’s ears. I need everyone’s attention. Sit right about here” then I pointed to the middle of the gym, “I am going to read you a poem:”

Children gathered here

With lofty dreams of basketball success

I am going to give you everything you need

To dunk a basketball into the net

Then the children clapped because they liked the poem so much. I looked at Claudia and she gave me a little fist pump because it was so golden. “Alright kids, settle down, you have to stop clapping for the poem because I am going to motivate you. This week, you’re going to learn to dunk a whole basketball into a ten foot rim. I don’t care if you’re a boy or a girl or a human or a dog or whatever. Guys, this is going to be such a good week because you’re going to dunk a basketball this Friday.”

“See, over there, see those glasses full of smoothie? Those are smoothies with PureGreen Protein powder, which is the, and repeat after me here, kids, the exact density of human muscle”

“The exact density of human muscle” (Some of the kids mispronounced some of the words, but on the whole they pretty much got it.)

“When you drink this protein shake your leg gets the big bounce it is going to need to really dunk a basketball. So make sure you REALLY drink the WHOLE shake, even if you feel full and stuff. We paid a lot of money for the shakes, it was probably 50 dollars a piece of the 485 dollar fee, so it’s really important.”

“Anyway, it’s time to get to work,” then I blew the whistle again “Hey. sorry, really loud, I know. You know what” I took the whistle off and threw it in the garbage can “We’re gonna ditch the whistle because I’m scared it will probably hurt someone’s ears and give them an authority complex.”

CORBIN SMITH BASKETBALL CAMP

THIS AUGUST. CORBIN SMITH, LEGENDARY BASKETBLOGGER, IS SHARING THE DEPTHS OF HIS BASKETBALL KNOWLEDGE WITH THE YOUTH OF AMERICA

FAQ:

WHAT WILL MY CHILDREN LEARN AT CORBIN SMITH BASKETBALL CAMP???

Corbin: Wow, what a good question. The first thing we teach is dunking. My methods are foolproof, I can teach anyone at any size to make a dunk. Boy or girl or most breeds of dog, if they  follow my methods they  can dunk a ball for sure. Then we teach the fundamentals of dunking in game. Dunking is great but you probably don't want your kid in some AND1 Mixtape type program. When I teach your kid to dunk in game, he or she will probably be in the NBA someday. They will at least be able to compete in the Adriatic League, like my former student Marin Rozic

WILL MY CHILD HAVE FOOD TO EAT AT THIS CAMP

Corbin: Excellent question! I am glad you are concerned for your child's well being, because I am as well. Every child who is learning how to dunk is going to need protein. Protein is the source of "Big bounce" in the human leg, according to leading scientists in both the fields of bounce and leg. To facilitate this process, I give every child multiple (5) daily servings of PureGreen Brand Protein Powder. This protein powder has the same protein density as human muscle, but unlike other powders that stake this claim it is made of plants. As a longtime vegetarian (Almost five (5) years) I think the use of human meat in these protein powders is morally wrong. I will not give ANY meat to your child. 

WHERE IS YOUR CAMP TAKING PLACE?

Corbin: Thank you for asking me for this critical piece of information, I might not have remembered otherwise. The UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST CHURCH OF VANCOUVER WASHINGTON has an activity room where we (Me and my wife, Claudia Richards, who runs the camp on a day to day basis while I pump out exciting web content on the topic of Basketball at biscutball.blogspot.com) have set up several (3-4) adjustable basketball rims. I know that this might be a red flag, but I promise: we will not lower the rims below ten feet to baby your child into easy dunks. I WILL NOT COMPROMISE ON GIVING YOUR CHILD THE SKILLS AND STRENGTHS NECESSARY TO DUNK ON A REGULATION RIM.

WHAT TIME IS THE CAMP, WHEN CAN I DROP MY CHILDREN OFF AT THE UUVC FOR A DAY OF LEARNING?

Corbin: Time is really important, and you recognizing that means that you're a smart person with a lot of really awesome priories. The camp starts at Nine O'Clock in the morning (9:00 AM) and ends at Three O'Clock in the afternoon (3:00 PM) If you CANNOT pick up your child at three, we will watch them for an extra hour for moderate remuneration (ten dollars). There are many interesting books in the UUVC about interesting topics, like religious tolerance and liberal activist action in your community, like promoting tolerance for homosexuals and people with other types of values. If your child stays late, you can be CONFIDENT that they will NEVER use their ability to dunk on any defender, big or small, to promote narrow religious philosophies that seek to exclude people for their differences, like they do at other basketball camps, like, for instance, Adrian Dantley's basketball camp.

HOW MUCH MONEY DO I NEED TO PAY FOR THE GIFT OF DUNKING, A GIFT THAT EVERY CHILD DESERVES AND FOR WHICH PRICE IS NO OBJECT?

Corbin: Money is a sensitive subject and it took a lot of courage to ask me about it. I don't think you're being rude, just practical, which is what you need to get by in today's world. You would think that I might gauge you, considering how valuable a career in basketball can be. For instance, famous basketball player Michael Jordan is worth more than one billion (1*10^9) dollars. I could charge you a lot of money, but as you, a reader of biscutball.blogspot.com likely have already assumed, I am a charitable person and a poet and artist at heart! If you give me and my wife 485 dollars per child, your child can attend my camp. Think about everything your child is getting for this pathetically tiny amount of money: 1. The Ability to Dunk. 2. 25 Servings of PureGreen Brand Protein Powder, which has a retail value of nearly 50 dollars (We don't pay that much, because we buy in bulk for this event and for our everyday lives) 3. The CONFIDENCE that comes along with dunking a basketball and having a career as a professional basketball player 4. A t-shirt with a picture of my face on the front and a small poem I wrote on the back. Oh, thank you for this check, you decided it was worth it already, before I even finished this question. I will put it in the bank account I share with my wife and WE will see YOUR CHILD at the UNITARIAN CHURCH ready to LEARN TO DUNK.