Tuesday, August 12, 2014


(All week, Biscutball is telling you about what's happening at Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, a basketball camp where famous blogger Corbin Smith teaches you how to dunk. Here is day one's entry.)

One of my campers is a girl named Lauren and today she was working on the dunking drill and looked like she was getting really discouraged. So I pulled her aside and said “Hey is everything okay?”

“Well, Mr. Smith. I’m afraid that I’m never going to be able to dunk.”

“Woah, Laura,” (I didn’t know her name) “Hey you can call me Corbin, I’m a pretty informal adult. Anyone can dunk, okay, as long as they follow my foolproof system, which includes drinking PureGreen protein shakes, and I noticed that you didn’t totally finish your shake at lunch, you know those cost like 10 bucks a pop, right?”

“It’s just… I don’t think I can dunk, ever, because I’m a girl.”

“WOAH! Laura! I can’t believe I’m hearing this, in the 21st century! Laura, have you heard of Becky Hammond?”


“Well, Laura, Becky Hammond told me that she couldn’t dunk too. But then after a week of my dunking drills and PureGreen protein shakes, to give her legs all the bounce they needed, she did it. She dunked a basketball. Then she said ‘Wow, Corbin, I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t lived it. You and your system are a genius. THen do you know what happened to Becky?”

“What, Corbin?”

“She abandoned her country to play for Russia in the Olympics. It was really disappointing, because it’s a real shame to see an American turn their back on Old Glory like that. Don’t be like Becky Hammond, but do at least be like her in that you complete the program and you will be able to dunk.”

“To be honest, I am having another problem that has been keeping me from reaching my full mental potential the court today.”

“Oh, really? Tell me about it Laura, I am listening and involved.”

“Ever since I turned 13, I have been followed everywhere by black cats and I also feel compelled to wear long black robes.”

“Laura, I think I know what’s going on. Has anything weird happened to any of your friends?”

“Well, a boy I had a crush on grew a third arm that kept petting him.”

“Laura when some girls turn about thirteen, they become teen witches. I think this is probably happening to you. See that basketball over there? I want you to point this at it” I gave her a wand I checked out of the Social Justice and Religious Tolerance Library in the Church “and turn it into a hamster.” Then Lauren did it almost perfect, except it was a hamster and not a gerbil because she didn't know the difference. I showed her some pictures on my phone to clear her confusion up.

“Laura you have an amazing gift, and you need to find someone to help you hone it. But I can’t do that today or ever, because I am just a normal mortal adult, not a Teen Witch who will someday blossom into a full blown witch. But I can teach you how to dunk, which is why you are here. But I can’t do it if you don’t drink ALL of the protein shake. Look, I will hook you up with another half a shake, because we had a real moment, but remember that that’s like five bucks and don’t like half measure it again, okay?”

It feel so good to connect with these kids it’s why I do it in addition to the money I make off of tuition.

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