DISPATCHES FROM CORBIN SMITH'S BASKETBALL CAMP: DAY THREE

(All week, Biscutball is telling you about what's happening at Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, a basketball camp where famous blogger Corbin Smith teaches you how to dunk. Here is day one's entry and day two's entry.)

 

It was a hard day at Corbin Smith’s basketball camp today. Everything was going great in the morning session, with many of the kids even managing to touch the net and even the rim. It’s the kind of thing that makes you get tears inside your eyes from happiness.

But a dark shadow was cast at lunchtime. Everyone was supposed to be drinking their PureGreen protein shakes, which contain PureGreen brand vegan protein powder, which is the exact density of human muscle and necessary for giving the children the big bounce they need to slam the ball home.

But one kid, named Matt Rufus, apparently didn’t get the memo.

As I was finishing my PureGreen protein shake, out of the corner of my eye I saw Matt eating what looked like a sandwich.

“HEY!” I yelled. “What are you eating, Mark!?”

“Uhh, my name is Matt.”

“Whatever your name is (this was disrespectful, but I was justifiably angry) tell me what this is you’re eating!”

The room got silent. Everyone knew what Matt’s mistake was.

“It’s a turkey sandwich.”

“Why are you eating a turkey sandwich!?”

“My mom packed it for me.”

“Uhh, does she not know about the PureGreen protein shake, because it was PRETTY WELL COVERED IN THE BROCHURE.”

“She thought it might not be enough and…”

“WHAT!? Oh my god Matt, what are you talking about!? PureGreen protein has everything you need to get the big bounce your leg needs to slam it down big time!”

“Well I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was so ser…”

“HEY, MATT. Don’t apologize to me! Apologize to that poor turkey whose body you’re chowing down on like it’s your right, given to you by God!”

“...huh?”

“HUH!? HUH!? HUH!? God in heaven, Matt! I have to tell you about where that turkey came from!? Claudia,” I was talking to my wife, Claudia RIchards, “Get me the education kit!”

Claudia went into the Social Justice and Religious Tolerance library.

“Matt, I just want you to know that I am doing this for your own good, okay? For the good of your moral composition.”

Claudia brought in a small turkey costume and a cage. She handed the costume to Matt and said “Matt, you need to put this on. Go in the bathroom and change. The entire suit is reinforced with elastic, so don’t worry about it fitting.”

Matt left and came back in the costume. Some of the children started laughing until I stopped them.

“Hey! Stop it! This isn’t a joke, this is real life! This is a learning opportunity for everyone! Alright Matt, get in the cage.”

“I’m not sure…”

“MATT. I know that I am an exceptionally cool and understanding adult, but I am still an adult and you have to do what I say! CAGE!”

Matt crawled into the cage. I felt bad. Not for Matt, but that I wasn’t doing enough to liberate turkeys from the slavery and slaughter of factory farming. Of course, teaching kids how to dunk is just as important, so it passed pretty quickly.

“Matt, how do you feel right now?”

“Uhh, pretty bad?”

“THAT’S RIGHT MATT. And you know who else feels pretty bad, it’s the 300 Million Turkeys raised in cages and killed for their meat in the United States every year. They are denied anything resembling lives, force fed corn every day to fatten them up for slaughter, then killed without ceremony. Now, children, gather around the cage and make noises like distressed turkeys and slaughterhouse machinery, so Matt can understand what the horror of the meat turkey’s life is truly like.”

The children did an admirable job. Matt started crying, which is okay when you are finally realizing the truth about the horror of meat production.

“I’m sorry, turkeys of the world! I’m sorry! Now that I am experiencing it for myself, I truly understand! From now on, I will only eat PureGreen plant based protein powder! I didn’t know I diiiidddnnnn’tttt knooowwwww!”

Claudia let Matt out of the cage. He went to hug me but I stopped him because I am pretty sure that crosses a boundary.Then I dropped a bomb, I wasn’t ready to drop.

“Matt. Because you are a turkey sandwich in the middle of my program, you will never learn how to dunk. Getting PureGreen protein, which is the exact density of human muscle and the fuel for all big bounce, into your legs, is very important. Mixing the puregreen protein with Turkey meat, which is NOT the exact density as human muscle, makes your leg muscles lumpy and misshapen and totally unable to create the big bounce needed for dunking. You think Lebron James ever ate turkey? No. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Corbin. I understand. I need to pay for the sin of eating meat. This will be my penance. I will now live my life in hopes that I will be reincarnated as a six-ten NBA Power Forward who can slam the ball at will.”

CORBIN SMITH BASKETBALL CAMP

THIS AUGUST. CORBIN SMITH, LEGENDARY BASKETBLOGGER, IS SHARING THE DEPTHS OF HIS BASKETBALL KNOWLEDGE WITH THE YOUTH OF AMERICA

FAQ:

WHAT WILL MY CHILDREN LEARN AT CORBIN SMITH BASKETBALL CAMP???

Corbin: Wow, what a good question. The first thing we teach is dunking. My methods are foolproof, I can teach anyone at any size to make a dunk. Boy or girl or most breeds of dog, if they  follow my methods they  can dunk a ball for sure. Then we teach the fundamentals of dunking in game. Dunking is great but you probably don't want your kid in some AND1 Mixtape type program. When I teach your kid to dunk in game, he or she will probably be in the NBA someday. They will at least be able to compete in the Adriatic League, like my former student Marin Rozic

WILL MY CHILD HAVE FOOD TO EAT AT THIS CAMP

Corbin: Excellent question! I am glad you are concerned for your child's well being, because I am as well. Every child who is learning how to dunk is going to need protein. Protein is the source of "Big bounce" in the human leg, according to leading scientists in both the fields of bounce and leg. To facilitate this process, I give every child multiple (5) daily servings of PureGreen Brand Protein Powder. This protein powder has the same protein density as human muscle, but unlike other powders that stake this claim it is made of plants. As a longtime vegetarian (Almost five (5) years) I think the use of human meat in these protein powders is morally wrong. I will not give ANY meat to your child. 

WHERE IS YOUR CAMP TAKING PLACE?

Corbin: Thank you for asking me for this critical piece of information, I might not have remembered otherwise. The UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST CHURCH OF VANCOUVER WASHINGTON has an activity room where we (Me and my wife, Claudia Richards, who runs the camp on a day to day basis while I pump out exciting web content on the topic of Basketball at biscutball.blogspot.com) have set up several (3-4) adjustable basketball rims. I know that this might be a red flag, but I promise: we will not lower the rims below ten feet to baby your child into easy dunks. I WILL NOT COMPROMISE ON GIVING YOUR CHILD THE SKILLS AND STRENGTHS NECESSARY TO DUNK ON A REGULATION RIM.

WHAT TIME IS THE CAMP, WHEN CAN I DROP MY CHILDREN OFF AT THE UUVC FOR A DAY OF LEARNING?

Corbin: Time is really important, and you recognizing that means that you're a smart person with a lot of really awesome priories. The camp starts at Nine O'Clock in the morning (9:00 AM) and ends at Three O'Clock in the afternoon (3:00 PM) If you CANNOT pick up your child at three, we will watch them for an extra hour for moderate remuneration (ten dollars). There are many interesting books in the UUVC about interesting topics, like religious tolerance and liberal activist action in your community, like promoting tolerance for homosexuals and people with other types of values. If your child stays late, you can be CONFIDENT that they will NEVER use their ability to dunk on any defender, big or small, to promote narrow religious philosophies that seek to exclude people for their differences, like they do at other basketball camps, like, for instance, Adrian Dantley's basketball camp.

HOW MUCH MONEY DO I NEED TO PAY FOR THE GIFT OF DUNKING, A GIFT THAT EVERY CHILD DESERVES AND FOR WHICH PRICE IS NO OBJECT?

Corbin: Money is a sensitive subject and it took a lot of courage to ask me about it. I don't think you're being rude, just practical, which is what you need to get by in today's world. You would think that I might gauge you, considering how valuable a career in basketball can be. For instance, famous basketball player Michael Jordan is worth more than one billion (1*10^9) dollars. I could charge you a lot of money, but as you, a reader of biscutball.blogspot.com likely have already assumed, I am a charitable person and a poet and artist at heart! If you give me and my wife 485 dollars per child, your child can attend my camp. Think about everything your child is getting for this pathetically tiny amount of money: 1. The Ability to Dunk. 2. 25 Servings of PureGreen Brand Protein Powder, which has a retail value of nearly 50 dollars (We don't pay that much, because we buy in bulk for this event and for our everyday lives) 3. The CONFIDENCE that comes along with dunking a basketball and having a career as a professional basketball player 4. A t-shirt with a picture of my face on the front and a small poem I wrote on the back. Oh, thank you for this check, you decided it was worth it already, before I even finished this question. I will put it in the bank account I share with my wife and WE will see YOUR CHILD at the UNITARIAN CHURCH ready to LEARN TO DUNK.