(All week, Biscutball is telling you about what's happening at Corbin Smith Basketball Camp, a basketball camp where famous blogger Corbin Smith teaches you how to dunk. Here is day one's entry and day two's entry.)
It was a hard day at Corbin Smith’s basketball camp today. Everything was going great in the morning session, with many of the kids even managing to touch the net and even the rim. It’s the kind of thing that makes you get tears inside your eyes from happiness.
But a dark shadow was cast at lunchtime. Everyone was supposed to be drinking their PureGreen protein shakes, which contain PureGreen brand vegan protein powder, which is the exact density of human muscle and necessary for giving the children the big bounce they need to slam the ball home.
But one kid, named Matt Rufus, apparently didn’t get the memo.
As I was finishing my PureGreen protein shake, out of the corner of my eye I saw Matt eating what looked like a sandwich.
“HEY!” I yelled. “What are you eating, Mark!?”
“Uhh, my name is Matt.”
“Whatever your name is (this was disrespectful, but I was justifiably angry) tell me what this is you’re eating!”
The room got silent. Everyone knew what Matt’s mistake was.
“It’s a turkey sandwich.”
“Why are you eating a turkey sandwich!?”
“My mom packed it for me.”
“Uhh, does she not know about the PureGreen protein shake, because it was PRETTY WELL COVERED IN THE BROCHURE.”
“She thought it might not be enough and…”
“WHAT!? Oh my god Matt, what are you talking about!? PureGreen protein has everything you need to get the big bounce your leg needs to slam it down big time!”
“Well I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was so ser…”
“HEY, MATT. Don’t apologize to me! Apologize to that poor turkey whose body you’re chowing down on like it’s your right, given to you by God!”
“...huh?”
“HUH!? HUH!? HUH!? God in heaven, Matt! I have to tell you about where that turkey came from!? Claudia,” I was talking to my wife, Claudia RIchards, “Get me the education kit!”
Claudia went into the Social Justice and Religious Tolerance library.
“Matt, I just want you to know that I am doing this for your own good, okay? For the good of your moral composition.”
Claudia brought in a small turkey costume and a cage. She handed the costume to Matt and said “Matt, you need to put this on. Go in the bathroom and change. The entire suit is reinforced with elastic, so don’t worry about it fitting.”
Matt left and came back in the costume. Some of the children started laughing until I stopped them.
“Hey! Stop it! This isn’t a joke, this is real life! This is a learning opportunity for everyone! Alright Matt, get in the cage.”
“I’m not sure…”
“MATT. I know that I am an exceptionally cool and understanding adult, but I am still an adult and you have to do what I say! CAGE!”
Matt crawled into the cage. I felt bad. Not for Matt, but that I wasn’t doing enough to liberate turkeys from the slavery and slaughter of factory farming. Of course, teaching kids how to dunk is just as important, so it passed pretty quickly.
“Matt, how do you feel right now?”
“Uhh, pretty bad?”
“THAT’S RIGHT MATT. And you know who else feels pretty bad, it’s the 300 Million Turkeys raised in cages and killed for their meat in the United States every year. They are denied anything resembling lives, force fed corn every day to fatten them up for slaughter, then killed without ceremony. Now, children, gather around the cage and make noises like distressed turkeys and slaughterhouse machinery, so Matt can understand what the horror of the meat turkey’s life is truly like.”
The children did an admirable job. Matt started crying, which is okay when you are finally realizing the truth about the horror of meat production.
“I’m sorry, turkeys of the world! I’m sorry! Now that I am experiencing it for myself, I truly understand! From now on, I will only eat PureGreen plant based protein powder! I didn’t know I diiiidddnnnn’tttt knooowwwww!”
Claudia let Matt out of the cage. He went to hug me but I stopped him because I am pretty sure that crosses a boundary.Then I dropped a bomb, I wasn’t ready to drop.
“Matt. Because you are a turkey sandwich in the middle of my program, you will never learn how to dunk. Getting PureGreen protein, which is the exact density of human muscle and the fuel for all big bounce, into your legs, is very important. Mixing the puregreen protein with Turkey meat, which is NOT the exact density as human muscle, makes your leg muscles lumpy and misshapen and totally unable to create the big bounce needed for dunking. You think Lebron James ever ate turkey? No. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Corbin. I understand. I need to pay for the sin of eating meat. This will be my penance. I will now live my life in hopes that I will be reincarnated as a six-ten NBA Power Forward who can slam the ball at will.”
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