Saturday, August 2, 2014

Why Did They Take Kyle O'Quinn's Jersey Off of NBAStore.Com, an Essay By Kyle O'Quinn

So I'm browsing through the NBA Store, in the Orlando Magic section, because they're probably my favorite team, and I'm looking to see if they have any Kyle O'Quinn jerseys, and wouldn't you believe it, nothing!

Sorta surprises me, personally, because that guy is great. We're talking 13 points per 36 minutes, every night. That guy brings those kinds of Per-36 numbers like a basketball robot. You stick that guy in the lineup, you're getting 13 Per-36 every damn night. Kyle O'Quinn comes from the Norfork State University Basketball tradition, which emphasizes per-36 consistency, as everyone knows, because that school's basketball players are so famous and celebrated; Al Beard! Bob Dandridge! Ray Epps!  You're basically giving away money if you're not selling Kyle O'Quinn's jersey to the hoards of Norfolk State fans looking to represent for their boys.

What I am thinking is that they probably sold out, they sold all the jerseys because they are so popular. That is a shame of you ask me, I am sure there are a lot of disappointed children and weird sports adults who wanted to sport the Kyle O'Quinn. Look, I'm not in charge of stocking the NBA Online store or whatever, I'm just browsing idly on a Saturday night, but I am thinking, if you're trying to run a successful money-making operation, you need to stock stuff that people are going to buy, and I know that I was looking to buy a Kyle O'Quinn jersey tonight, and I am a normal consumer like any other consumer, and I came away disappointed. The NBA needs to get its (I don't normally curse) crap together if they want to keep making money for the league. I get that throwing Donald Sterling out was a big deal that involved a lot of hard work from commissioner Silver and his staff, but what is the point of even having an NBA if someone can't order a Kyle O'Quinn jersey while they're totally sober and with other people on a Saturday Night away from their house where it would be okay if they were drinking anyway, not a big deal to drink at your house along even though I'm not there right now.

I'm looking at the prices for these custom jersey machine things, and I gotta say, I think I understand why there ain't any Kyle O'Quinn jerseys; they're just trying to force people to use the custom jersey maker! What a rip-off for these good consumers just trying to get a little happiness in the form of a Kyle O'Quinn jersey, a jersey that makes all people who wear and watch and sleep several of it stitched together into a sleeping bag happy.

Wait, wait a second. Holy shit, is my man Kyle going to get traded? The Cavs just signed LeBron and they are going to need a talented power forward to line up next to him. I mean, Wiggins and Lebron, that's a redundancy! The Magic haven't been able to build a roster around Big KO'Qed, a nickname everyone uses. Time to ship him off to help The King get another ring and start a true rebuild with a raw talent like Big Wigg. An exciting opportunity. Kyle appreciates the support of the fans in Orlando, he will never forget you. Maybe he will return someday, nothing is given in Northern Florida!

I'm gonna go to sleep now I guess, I hope I can buy my own jersey in my dreams tonight.

No comments:

Post a Comment