NBA COWARD RANKINGS: WEEK ONE
ONE: NBA FANS
It’s going to take a monumental effort to unseat these guys, sitting in their chairs, judging the world’s greatest athletes. Hey, buddy: if you want to get off this ignoble throne, maybe you should get in the court yourself and see how you do! Oh, tough guy is stuttering like a real dummy now! Sit down, tough guy, go buy some more nachos. You disgust me, you coward.
TWO: KOBE BRYANT
You see Kobe yelling at Dwight? What are you scared of, man? That we won’t think you’re a man? That you’re not heteronormative enough? Quit performing your gender so aggressively, with the cursing in interviews and whatnot. Take your shitty season with a stoic face, like a brave person would. You’re melting down out here, you weirdo.
THREE: 76ERS GM SAM HINKE
Hey man, I’m just working with the system that’s in place. Being bad and collecting high picks is the way toward sustainable success. Don’t blame me, blame th… WELL I SAY, YOU'RE A COWARD, SAM HINKE. Living off the detritus of the NBA’s deeply rooted corruption, instead of standing up, getting your hands in the dirt and YANKING OUT THOSE WEEDS, SO YOU CAN PLANT AN NBA REVOLUTION! This strategy is coward’s work, and he should feel a deep shame in his heart. He should also feel a deep sword in his belly, because seppuku is the only honorable out here.
FOUR: CARMELO ANTHONY
One line, brother? That’s all you had the courage to manage? Bill Russell was in THREE SCENES of a Dick Van Dyke episode. Moses Malone was the lynchpin of the “Big Mac” arc on Hill Street Blues. And I don’t have to tell anyone about the episode of Miami Vice where Larry Bird played Crockett. Be more like these legendary NBA thespians, you COWARD, not one of these one line wonders wandering in and out of prestige-y but not really, actually kind of trashy TV Shows.
FIVE: NBA.COM’S VIDEO PRODUCERS
Lotta top tens on this bad boy. Why do you need to put yourself in a box? Can’t just give the people the best assists, be there six or twenty-six qualifiers for the title? You just do whatever your content hungry masters command? Get outside of the warm box, you cowards.
SIX: SAN ANTONIO SPURS FRANCHISEE PETER HOLT
Is that a pair of loose fitting jeans, brother? You scared a slimmer cut will reveal something you’re not prepared to share with the world? Or are you scared the tailor will give you a sideways glance when you go in to buy slacks without having enough knowledge to tell him exactly what you want? Would have been higher, but that is a bold-as-hell belt buckle, and I respect that. Combine it with some more revealing pants and we can get talking about sticking you on the NBA Braverman Rankings (title pending).
SEVEN: FANGED VAMPIRE DEER
The Vampire Deer resurfaced after FIFTY years of complete non contact with humans. Does this guy think he can just show up at the beginning of the NBA season and have everyone talkin’ again about how he is the king of basketball playing deer? I say: HELL NO. You don’t dodge the competition for fifty years and expect everyone to think you’re a baller again. Pick up a ball, post up on a reindeer, and show us, don’t just float around the gym like you’re bad or something, just because you have those teeth. I’ll bet you don’t even suck blood, bro.
EIGHT: NBA REFS
You really need that whistle? Just try to have a conversation with the players about what they’re doing wrong. Blowing into a tiny aluminum horn just makes it seem like you have a control complex. Understanding is bravery, control is cowardice.
NINE: HIGH SCHOOL WILT CHAMBERLAIN
We all know you could have dunked that, but you would have gotten a penalty or something, since these were the prohibition years. But, C’MON. It’s not like you were going to lose the game: WILT CHAMBERLAIN was on your team, in 1955 or whenever! Give the people a show, consequences be damned! Spit in the face of your fear of losing!
Manifest a human-like form and let us challenge you personally, you son of a bitch. I will take you in one-on-one, and if I win, I get to live forever. Scared you’ll lose? Of course you are, you sniveling wimp. It’s all scythe swings, no off the dribble game, no finesse. Just a goon, a big, stupid goon.