Monday, November 17, 2014


THE NBA D-League is always looking to expand, so more teams can farm out their B-Level talent to go shoot exclusively threes. They should expand into Tacoma, Washington, and play their games at the legendary Tacoma Dome. Why!?


ONE: The stadium’s capacity is basically in line with the needs of the NBA D-League:

The Dome has a basketball capacity of 17,100. That would make it the largest stadium in the D-League, the crown in the jewel of an up-and-coming enterprise One has to think the only reason they haven’t already invaded Tacoma is that they are intimidated! C’mon, D-League! Dream big! I mean, five hundred people in Bakersfield? Be a little more ambitious!

TWO: The Tacoma Dome is good as hell.
Look at this very good building and the mountain it sits in front of. Here are some fact about the Tacome Dome any dummy can glean:
ONE: It is mountain coloured, so it kind of looks like the mountain’s little round brother.
TWO: It is a dome, a powerful and elegant structure.
THREE: It is very good at holding people for events, such as professional wrasslin’, hockey, Walking with Dinosaurs, Justin Bieber concerts, high school sports tournaments and, ESPECIALLY, basketball games!

You see those beams? The scaffolding of this ultra-modern, nearly futurist building is made of none other than OLD FASHIONED PACIFIC NORTHWEST WOOD! It’s like the world’s biggest ski lodge that you can play basketball in! As a matter of fact, the Tacoma Dome is the LARGEST CLEAR SPAN (I don’t know what that mean, but it sounds good!) TIMBER BUILDING IN THE WORLD! This blog post, over at “Working Wonders with Wood” can tell you EVERYTHING about it! What a good building!

THREE: There is only one Major Pro Basketball team in the Northwest!

Why has the NBA all but abandoned North America’s Pacific Northwest? They understand we stop going outside after like September, right? We're captive audience! Three Major cities, and only the smallest one is blessed with an NBA team. What the crap, guys! I know Canada weirded Steve Francis out so much they they just couldn’t have a team in Vancouver anymore, and a malevolent fracking magnate thought that owning a team in a place where a lot of people actually live would be downright Unamerican. But c’mon! Seattle Metro is a FIVE MILLION PERSON MARKET that is COMPLETELY UNTAPPED!

Putting a D-League team in Seattle proper would be a slap in the face, a fucked up consolation prize. But Tacoma, that’s a mighty distance. Even when the Thunder come back to Seattle when the franchise collapses after Durant leaves, it can exist independently. Hey, maybe you even make it Seattle’s D-League team! Did you know that the Mariner’s AAA Affiliate plays in Tacoma, at a stadium where I once say Joe Biden speak? It could be a cute little thing!

Would Seattlites take the trip? I don’t know, let’s ask ACTUAL SEATTLE RESIDENT DAMON AGNOS!
Not even Nate Silver can complain about that sample size, because he LOVES Tacoma, AND minor league basketball, and the mix of those things would make him say all sort of irrational things!

In conclusion: Tacoma demands a D-League team. The Pacific Northwest is underserved. The Tacoma Dome is a cool building. The D-League needs to stop fucking around with 500 seat venues if it wants to be an actual thing. Also they should do something about teams exclusively using it to develop three point shooters and engineering their entire offenses to only shoot threes at obscene rates, but that wasn’t the topic of this. TACOMA. FOR. THE. FURUTE.

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