BISCUTBALL PREVIEW #5: PHOENIX SUNS

BROTHERBALL is now the official In-House philosophy of the Phoenix Suns’ Front office and AMERICA IS PUMPED! Just in the last week, the Suns have united Zoran Dragic with his brother Goron and signed the Morris Twins to TWIN EXTENSIONS (they are different sized twins)! Team chemistry: if you ask the Phoenix suns, there’s no BETTER CHEMISTRY than a FAM-LIONIC BONDS!

But the other members of the Phoenix Suns have brothers, too! What are their lives like? I did some down and dirty reporting to find out!

-Magnus Len, Alex’s Brother, is an HR manager at Evergreen Health Co-op in Maryland. Widely known as the “Tall guy in the office.” A common exchange for him:

“I’ll bet ducking under those door frames is a real pain.”

“Yeah.”

“But it’s probably worth it, huh!? I sure wish I could dunk!”

“Sure, yeah. It’s great.”

-Eric Bledsoe’s brother, Chip Bledsoe, was drawing a paycheck with the US Government until 2011, when every trace of his existence was erased. He was last seen entering the South American rainforest by canoe; one conspiracy theorist (‘EdTrails.blogspot.com, that’s Chemtrails but his name is Ed.) suggested he was stationed there to protect a weapon of unknowable power: a laser that exclusively destroys love. Unleashing it on a country would plunge them into chaos, for love is the bond on which society is built, even subconsciously. (This is probably not true.)

-David Green, Gerald’s Brother, is a writer for DC Comics. Here is a sample of his work:

Not really my thing. More of an indie comics kinda guy. I’m sure the superhero guys eat it up.

-You already know about Miles Plumlee’s brothers, in both biology and Dookery, Mason and Marshall.

Look at this high grade collection of upstanding citizens. BUT you probably DON’T know about the four Plumlee Brother, currently a Sophomore at the University of Miami, Maximillion Plumee, known to the people of The U Nation as “MaxyMillons the Plumlord.”

Maxy’s style of game is similar to that of his brothers: hard screens, good work on defense, all that fundamental crap. But he has a little bit of extra flair. It’s not unusual to see him take a tech for arguing about a moving screen, or deliver a tiny little crotch thrust after a thunderous dunk. He’s also known for his post game interviews, which often go to strange places:

“I’m just out here trying to get some rim on my hands.” (Maxy winks and makes a fingergun at the same time.)

“These ACC refs are bullcrap. Print that. Bull. Crap. Wait, sorry. Bullshit. I forget which one is a really bad curse word sometimes.”

“The Man-U (Maxy’s nickname for Manu Lecomte) did good for us tonight. Saw him eating an apple before the game. If it’s me, I get an apple tree in my apartment, make that the center of my diet. This guy lives off apple energy. He’s an apple furnace.”

“I’m not saying a bullet, like a bullet from a magnum, would just BOUNCE OFF ME or anything. But I’m is killer shape. I think, shotgun blast from distance, like 50 feet away, I could walk away from that without having to see a doctor, if I had time to flex beforehand. 100 feet away, I could run over and punch the guy, bam, right in the jaw, while he was reloading.”

-Mack Warren, TJ Warren’s brother, is a chemical engineer in Raleigh, North Carolina.

BISCUTBALL PREVIEW #4: DENVER NUGGETS

Once, you bought a rose and planted it in your garden. It grew to be beautiful and large. So beautiful and large, that people came calling; this was a new heirloom rose, a chance genetic mutation that took a venerable plant to a new aesthetic place, and it would need to be replanted in a professional rose garden, somewhere else.

So you make the deal, and you’re left with a garden bed that is a little… hodgepodgey. But then something strange happens; the sun and the water make it all run together. It’s even more beautiful than it was when you had the rose; not that anyone cares anymore. Your gardeners are regarded as geniuses and win awards from Sunset Magazine.

But then something happens. Your hydrangea, a showy multi coloured piece that is one of the main attraction in your garden, get a broken stem. Then, Steph Curry shows up and throws a firecracker in your garden and steals your ground cover. Fans of your garden start moaning. Balance doesn't work for them! They needed a rose! One of your gardeners, so acclaimed not three weeks ago, a big, fat pink slip. The other one leaves for more money than you’re willing to pay. You panic. 

You put a miniature cactus in the garden. That makes sense, right? Tom made it work in his garden, why can't you? You pay WAY too much for a maple even though you already had a maple and your maple was a little smaller, but that meant that your plants didn't lose sun on its account. You hire a new gardener, who seems perpetually put upon and annoyed about gardening in this altitude. Hey, remember that shrub we had a while ago, the one we got rid of for the ground cover? It’s back! Do you see how it makes everything seem like it works, maybe?  The garden can still be good, the gardener says we just need to yank out these weeds! Sure, he said that fern was a weed, but who cares!? Can we get some fertilizer in here? The bamboo tree is all, I’m sure it’s going to FINALLY start working in the garden concept! God, the gardens around here are so nice, how are we going to compete!? All we need to do is tread water and I’m sure… mulch! More mulch! Keep the weeds out! This used to be so easy!

BISCUTBALL PREVIEWS #3: UTAH JAZZ

Using my extensive knowledge of Jazz + American Music history, I determined what musician every member of the current Utah Jazz roster most resembles.

TREVOR BOOKER: Clyde Jefferson, a journeyman bass player who played in a variety of combos from 1975-1997. Teaches at Berklee now.

DEE BOST: Papa Mack Bracey, 1920s bluesman, primarily notable for his song, documented on a Paramount 78, “Tired of Heavin’ My Body on You.” No known copies exist.

TREY BURKE: “Scrubs” Mackley, a trumpet player player in Duke Ellington’s band. A box full of half finished compositions was found in his attic after he died. The academic who had access to these papers called them “Proto-Mingus-y, but not on purpose.”

ALEC BURKS: Michael Sparks, a 1970’s fusion guitarist known for immaculate wah-pedal tone. Wore a lot of scarves.

IAN CLARK: Cliff Markley, an Atlanta busker who plays solo improvised compositions using his dog’s heartbeat as a rhythm track. Looks like this:

The pieces goes faster or slower if the dog gets scared or starts sleeping or gets excited. Cliff designed and built the stethoscope amp himself; he is an engineer in his everyday life. Fascinating stuff.

JACK COOLEY: Jared Sturdy, second chair trumpet on the Ridgefield High School Jazz Band.

JEREMY EVANS: Mark Clifton, a contemporary drummer in a professional combo that mostly works at weddings in the Bay Area. Most frequent note given is “Play a little quieter, Mark.” As he gets older, he finds himself drawn more to painting fantasy scenes; one particularly expressionistic tableau features a female elf running a black dagger through the belly of a cruel king.

DANTE EXUM: Jeffrey Ronson, a contemporary of Steve Reich who refused to allow his performances to be recorded. Amiri Baraka wrote about one in 1975, described it as “Beautiful for one second, then the world is pulled out from underneath you; among the most horrifying musical performances I have ever witnessed.”

DERRICK FAVORS: “Clown Crusher,” (Real name unknown; always dressed in clown makeup at performances. Was suspected to have a day job at a conservative-leaning lobbying firm.), a Hardcore-Era DC area punk drummer who played on an unmarked 7-Inch that sort of vaguely aped Jazz tradition; Gregg Ginn was said to have been a big fan. The identity of the guitarist on that record is a matter of profound dispute; some have suggested it was a 17-Year old Janet Mitchelson, who would go on to be the first chair viola player at the New York Metropolitan Orchestra.

CARRICK FELIX: Rich Freeman. He plays in a funk fusion-y band on weekends. Nice guy, always smiling when he plays. His tone is unnervingly uniform and he gets to slapping the fret a little too readily.

RUDY GOBERT: Alain Bellerose, a 1960’s French lounge singer best known for his song “Quel âge avez-vous? Attendez, s'il vous plaît ne me dites pas.” Roughly translates to “How Old are you? Wait, Please do not Tell me.”

GORDON HAYWARD: “Admiral” Dave Martin, a Big Band era bandleader and clarinetist known for always wearing a white cape and a sailor’s hat. Weird rumors about his personal life I won’t get into here.

RODNEY HOOD: Isaiah Hobson, 1970’s LA Guitarist who played in a Chic knockoff. Currently a smooth jazz producer for hire.

DAHNTAY JONES: Rick Marcellus, a smooth jazz bassist. Broke Kenny G’s finger twice.

ENES KANTER: Cliff Mitchell, known professionally as “Jazz-O-Bot,” performs as a one man band at county and state fairs across America. Embraces a robot theme, dishes out lots of robot puns. Very silly, of course, but occasionally his work transcends both his milieu and modest technical ability and becomes very poignant.

BROCK MOTOM: “SLATE,” a one man avant garde “Jazz” act. He walks on stage wearing a giant white robe and pounds on a MASSIVE drum at a fixed tempo for nearly two hours while vaporwave samples he put together play over a kind of supercharged laptop speaker. I talked to him after a show once: REALLY into SEC Football.

KEVIN MURPHY: Jacob Martins, solo acoustic jazz guitarist. Plays primarily at restaurants in Miami. Actually makes very beautiful music if you stop eating and listen for a second.

TOURE MURPHY: Trey Anastasio.

STEVE NOVAK: Steve’s dad, Cliff Novak, is the “WISCONSIN KING OF THE JAZZ BANJO.” Might be a little easy, but I think that’s a good parallel.

BISCASTBALL NUMBER ONE

The first Episode of Biscastball: the Biscutball Biscast exists, please listen to it or download it. Seth Partnow, a Statman over at Nylon Calculus and DOZENS of other places, is our guest. His daughter hammers a piano, America says "Awww."

BISCUTBALL PREVIEWS #2: Oklahoma City Thunder

Oklahoma City Thunder coach Scott “Lil’ Hair” Brooks coaches an effective offense. The team has ranked 12th, 5th, 2nd, 1st and 7th in Offensive Rating in the seasons he has coached full time. But many people are unsatisfied with his offensive system. “It’s unsustainable,” they say, “You can’t just lean on Durant and Westbrook to create all the offense! There are consequences!

Think about an NBA game as a rocky deposit you trying to get point out of, deep underground. The Thunder use Westbrook as a sort of “Drill” that plunges “Deep into” the paint and "Breaks apart" opposing defenses, “Shale deposits” that contain precious points for powering an offense:

Westbrook draws in the defense, breaks up the rocks. Then Kevin Durant functions like a sort of, oh, I am a thinking a Sand/Water/Chemical mixture that gets injected into the shale deposits and releases even more precious, precious points.

See the fluidity of movement, moving all over the court. Seeping into the cracks Westbrook creates. Drilling every possible point out of the opposition.

But is this an effective long term strategy? The Thunder use force and power to get points out of the Earth. But all of the teams that out performed them offensively last year (Clippers, Blazers, Mavericks, Rockets, Heat, Spurs) used offensive systems (Spread screen and roll for Clips, Rockets, motion for Blazers and Mavs, a sort of freaky-unstoppable hybrid for the Spurs and Heat) that don’t depend as completely on the talents of two players. They’re more into letting the sustainable energy inherent in Basketball; the sun and the wind of the game, if you will.

Durant and Westbrook’s command over the team’s usage might be stunting the growth of any young players the team acquires. Poisoning the water they need to drink to grow. If you will.

“Chesapeake?” What’s that? How did this video get here

It is worth mentioning that even if Durant and Westbrook have off nights, they have Serge Ibaka, one of the league’s best rim protectors, Lobbying on the team’s behalf, influencing opposing offenses to help the team succeed in spite of an offense that occasionally stagnates against elite Progressive Defensive Opposition like Tony Allen, who can single cover Durant with questions like “Is Natural Gas seriously worth poisoning groundwater, one of the miracles on Earth that helps keep us alive? Not to mention possibly causing Earthquakes in your home state? I mean, you went to all that trouble to steal the team from a bigger market, it’s not even going to be worth it when the stadium is consumed by a giant fucking crack in the ground that opened up because your thirst for money that you won’t even spend was so unquenchable that you stuck your middle finger so deep in the Earth that it decided it needed to fight back in some way.” Or Gasol, protecting the paint from Westbrook with his patented “Shut up McLendon, you Tax Cheating Libertarian Clown” pick and roll coverage.

I can't wait for 2016.

BISCUTBALL PREVIEW NUMBER ONE: Minnesota Timberwolves

The Timberwolves have not been very good. Here is proof:

(Grabs shirt collar) Oy vey! Not good! Maybe moving the team to a proper city instead of “Minnesota, Minnesota” would help.

The Timberwolves might be good someday. Wiggins has superstar potential if he can learn to focus his chi, Anthony Bennett is at least not as bad as he was last year and Zach LeVIne can jump very high in the air. Gorgui Dieng tore apart the FIBA World Championships. Rubio is already useful on the strength of his defense and playmaking and could theoretically learn to shoot a basketball like an NBA guard sooner or later.

But they won’t be good this year. Mediocrity is probably the best case scenario. BUT: I am proposing a radical solution:

COMPLETELY BAIL ON WINNING, EVEN AS A PRETENSE, AND JUST TRY TO PLAY THE MOST FLUID POSSIBLE FORM OF BASKETBALL

The roster is almost there! You are going to have to unload Pekovic (No postups!), Kevin Martin (That jump shot doesn’t fit, it’s all wobbly! Also we’re trying to avoid foul shots here.), Mo Williams (Given.) Shabbaz can probably get out of town, too, he doesn’t run enough for what we’re trying to accomplish here. EVERYONE ELSE PLAYS BY THESE RULES:

1. THE ONLY DEFENSE IS A MATCHUP ZONE WHERE YOU ARE TRYING TO EITHER GET A BLOCKED SHOT OR A STEAL

Here is an example of what that might look like. The top guard tries to strip the primary ballhandler for a fast break. The two forwards look to pick passes to the mostly open corners for fast breaks. The bottom guard tries to pick off any post entry pass to the center. Don't foul, ever. The center just walks in and out of the paint, waiting for a shot at the rim, which he tries to block the shot towards the lower guard, who then dribbles or passes forward to a wing to make a fast break.  DON'T FOUL, EVER. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO FOUL.

2. ONLY USE ONE PLAY ON INBOUND SITUATIONS

If they concede a basket, which they might, who knows!? You run a long bomb inbounds play every time, just like every NFL team should probably do. Football s way more complicated than basketball, but statistics suggest throwing downfield is the best move like 95% of the time or something. Is there any reason to think it won’t work in basketball!?

The ideal lineup for this system, WHOSE ONLY PURPOSE IS CREATING A FLUID BASKETBALL, is Rubio/LeVine/Brewer/Wiggins/Dieng. If it turns out to be a winning basketball strategy, they will become known as the Globetimbers because of how much they clown on fools. Also because Rubio will take to carrying handfuls of confetti around in his pockets and throwing it at opponents and the refs.

Dieng’s first options is to throw to Brewer, Wiggins, or LaVine, shown here outrunning their defenders with ease. If, for some reason, they are covered, he throws to a trailing Rubio, who makes the play from there. (An oop to a cutting LeVine, for instance.)

This system might deprive Dieng of any scoring chances and that may upset his agents. If it gets to be too hot of a situation, just slot Dieng in at one of the guard spots and watch the buckets come in for a game or two. Then put him back where he belongs, in the quarterback’s seat, fat and happy and filled with points..

Some teams may resist this form of basketball. Those nefarious Pacers, in particular, will seek to destroy this basketball utopia. But one team won’t be able to resist. And when that team comes into town, we’ll have what we’ve always dreamed of: A 200 possession NBA game. Basketball scientists the world over rejoice! "We have not split the atom, no, but I believe we not have the tools to do it!" The discoveries made in this season will fuel research for dozens, maybe HUNDREDS of years! Earth's basketball will be unstoppable! All the planets of the universe bowing at our feet!

All because the Timberwolves took a 13 win season in service for the greater good. Do the right thing, Flip; become the basketball Hadron Collider.

BEST OF BISCUTBALL, SUMMER 2014

This is a brief list of links of Biscutball posts from this summer that I thought were very good and at least a little evergreen. I will make a list like this at the change of seasons. Share it with your lovers:

CORBIN SMITH BASKETBALL CAMP: (Day 1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
Examining Over/Unders (V. Long)
An excerpt from Jason Kidd's business book, "Triple Double."
What if we played basketball on sand: AN INVESTIGATION
A sad story about a basketball man
An appreciation of Angela Salvadores, a Spanish teenager (And recent Duke committee) who almost beat America on her own. (+an addendum)
What animals do shot charts look like?/Examining empty shot charts
Paintings of Lebron James/Klay Thompson

As a way of making this more than a self promotion, here is a very funny comedy video by Charles, a sketch comedy duo I know: