Friday, October 10, 2014



This is a bottle of Lebron wine. It’s a product of Klutch Wine, a vineyard owned by Rich Paul. They also make Norris Cole Wine, Tristan Thompson Wine, Eric Bledsodawine (a sparkling wine with some extra sugar) and are the primary American distributors of imported Kevin Seraphin wine.

These are all good as hell wines. But LeBron wine is the best wine on the whole planet. It’s a red wine, made from red grapes.

LeBron wine grapes are grown in the desert. They dry farm the grapes to make sure they don’t get any extra water or comfort. The harshest conditions make for the sweetest grapes.

Every grape is individually inspected. If it’s not good enough, it does not go into LeBron Wine. They put reject grapes in a crummier, but still really good wine, like Corey Joseph Wine. Even a flaw imperceptible to normal human eyes will get a grape tossed into the CoJo bucket. Every grape inspector wears a jeweler's eye and teflon gloves, to keep Lebron Wine grapes from collecting extra dust or human filth. ONLY THE BEST GRAPES ON EARTH GO INTO LEBRON WINE.

The vines are grown in harsh desert soil augmented by a nutrient rich compost that comes from three sources:

  1. Lebron’s personal food compost.
  2. Dust from underneath Lebron’s bed, and only LeBron’s side of the bed. THey take great care and consideration that Savannah’s skin cells not end up in the compost. Savannah seems like a lovely women, but her skin is not up to the nutrient standards that her husband’s is. LeBron’s dead skin cells are the best wine vine nutrient source on planet Earth.
  3. Keep this on the D/l but they have bribed doctors for blood and urine samples. Maybe a little “Under code” by FDA standards but what do those fascists know about making the best wine on Earth
  4. Lebron’s toenails and his shit, like his dookie. I know this makes four and not three, but I kinda assumed you already knew Lebron’s shit was involved. It’s so nitrogen rich that the second it hits air little clovers sprout and start growing. It makes weeding a pretty intense activity but they live for making the world’s greatest wine and when you live for that you do whatever it takes to be the best.

When the grapes have been harvested, they get stuck into a giant barrel with LeBron’s personal magik runes carved into the wood. Then the man himself flies in and spends three hours stomping the grapes with feet he hasn’t washed for a week during the middle of the NBA season. The mix of his foot excellence and the wine grapes, which contain the essence of his body deep in their cells, makes for the world’s purest drinkable  essence of LeBron, besides drinking his blood, which is very, very illegal. Obviously, the man can’t be there to do all the grape crushing; he is a famous and successful basketball player. But he does provide the winery with several months worth of his socks, which the subsequent crushers use to emulate LeBron’s feet.

Lebron wine is then aged in barrels crafted with timberline wood, trees so cold they hold in the air from when they were planted 10,000 years ago. This air contains prehistoric, knife shaped molecules that super-filter the grape juice and removes any excess chemicals, leaving only the purest essence of LeBron after 2 years of aging on the top of a mountain. We will not say which mountain, as to deter thieves, but trust that it is one of the major, important mountains that people are often talking about.

How do you describe actual perfection? LeBron Wine’s bouquet is like roses and turpentine. It smells as good as a rose, but it invades your nose like turpentine. If you are having a cold and you smell LeBron Wine, your sinuses will clear. I am not saying LeBron Wine cures colds. But it does stimulate your body’s ability to process Zinc and Vitamin C, which are essential nutrients in fighting a cold.


“I sprained my ankle while I was running and it really sucked. My husband had to pick me up in his car. When we got home, I opened a bottle of LeBron wine to relax, and accidently spilled. The swelling went down immediately. Since then, I have used it for all my scratches and scrapes. If you pour it on a mid-sized gash, you can actually sit and watch the gash close, like a door.”

I am not saying LeBron Wine could cure cancer. But if someone has a needlefull of it, and offered to shoot it into your tumors, would you really say no?

When you drink LeBron Wine, you don’t poop for a week afterwards because your body uses all your food, 100%.

If you have a glass made out of energy transference crystals and you pour LeBron Wine into it, then shine a light through the glass and into your own eyes, they will become super eyes. You can see shit on the moon. You can see stuff moving on the moon. If there is a person on the moon, plotting against someone, you will see them and you can report them to the Army, so they can shoot moonbullets at that person and stop their scheme.

Whenever you get drunk on LeBron Wine, you can write up to 3 languages you didn’t know before. Sometimes it’s a language you know exists, like French, but sometimes it is an extinct language, or a computer programming language, or the language plants use to communicate, or the language of pure pain and love and loss, which can cut apart a person’s innermost thoughts and feelings and make them love you forever with only a look. Please use this language responsibility, if your bottle contains it.

LeBron Wine retails for $50 and is available at artisanal wine shops across Ohio.

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