Monday, October 13, 2014


“Good afternoon. I am Jerry Rinsdorf, the owner of the Chicago Bulls. I have a very important announcement, for you, the gathered media, to tell everyone. I have decided that basketball is far too sexy, unlike baseball, and needs to be taken down a few notches. That is why, from here on out, The Chicago Bulls, six-time NBA champion and one of the premier franchises, will be the world’s first celibate basketball team. Any players caught having sex will have their contracts waived. They will have to play in China, because no one in Christian America or Catholic Europe will have them because of their shameful behavior. No masterbation eiter, and we have tests, so we will find out if someone masterbates. We’re also on the lookout for the desire to have sex, and if we find it, there will be a fine. The CBA says I can do this, and I am rich, so I can do pretty much anything. Any player who is looking to complain should bathe in money instead, hot watery money, like me. Also Comiskey was right to be a cheapskate, The World Series getting rigged was 100% not his fault.”

“Am I happy with The Dorf’s decision? No, absolutely not. Sex has been a big part of my life for a really long time, I really enjoy it. But we have a shot at the title this year, and I don’t want to get my contract invalidated, so I guess I am going to not have sex for a year, even though it’s probably the most fun thing I can think of off the top of my head. Maybe roller coasters, but I can’t just install a roller coaster in my house. I could try to replace them with video games, I guess, that seems to work for some people.”

“I don’t think Jerry’s decision will make it harder to attract free agents, no. Most of these guys are waiting till retirement to have sex anyway, or that’s what my scouts are telling me. It messes up their focus.”

“I’m not surprised at all. There was always pressure to not have sex. Unnerving pamphlets on your hotel pillow. The coaches asked leading questions. I think one of the trainers stole my condoms once. I’m happy to be with the Heat now, an organization encourages you to have sex all the time.”

“We almost never have sex in Europe, only for procreation. In some rich countries, like Luxembourg, they exclusively use in vitro. Very progressive. Europe is a very progressive place, where the future is now.”

“I agree with Nikola! I am very excited to not have sex!”

“We’re going to compete for a championship. It’s about the team. I love Chicago. I am feeling good. My knee feels better than ever. Working on my floater. They’re good shoes.”

“I was a little upset at first, but then Jerry told me Morrisey was asexual, so I’ve come around. I definitely like Morrissey a lot, and seek to emulate him in a lot of ways. I think of Creighton as the Smiths, and the Bulls as my solo career. I wrote a book about it, if you guys want to read it.”

"It's a good book of honest stories. You can have it for free if you approach me on the street."

“SAY WHAT!? OH MAN, THIS SUCKS, I’M A PRETTY BIG LOVE MAKING ENTHUSIAST! WAIT, YOU’RE RIGHT! I AM ON THE LAKERS NOW! HAHAHA YES! CARLOS BOOZER GETS OUT JUST IN TIME YET AGAIN, LIKE WHEN I ROBBED THAT BANK BACK AT DUKE! WE GAVE BATTIER THE MONEY TO INVEST, BUT HE LOST IT ALL, BUT I CASHED OUT AND BOUGHT A SKI LODGE I AM GOING TO MANAGE FULL TIME WHEN I RETIRE! HAHA! CARLOS BOOZER OUT!” (Mr. Boozer was then airlifted out of the house where he was giving the interview. He was attached to a harness and broke through the roof of the Lakers’ practice facility where he was giving the interview, while laughing and eating a bowl of Cream of Wheat.)

(Ryland Duncan pitched the core idea of this, so blame him)

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