Tuesday, October 14, 2014


The Basketball Players on the Washington Wizards: what Wizard, Mage, Witch, or other user of Magik does every member of the Wizards most resemble?

BRADLEY BEAL: Clara Marx, an 18th century German Woods Witch who took her power from the spirit of the wind and the trees. Didn’t eat children, but valued her privacy enough that she didn’t go out of her way to dismiss village rumors that she did.

DEJUAN BLAIR: 19th Century Louisiana Voopooo Priest Clarence King. Might have murdered Huey Long’s grandfather in a dispute over a card game.

RASUL BUTLER: “Rasul” is a very common name for Wizards and Mages, and it’s very possible that Butler himself is a reincarnation of one of these myriad practitioners of the dark arts. My money is on Count Rasul Marinovich, a 19th century Croatian landowner who semi-openly performed blood majik rituals with sheep. The best he could manage was a marginal, control over weather patterns over his estate. The sample size was marginal, at best, but he still wrote nearly 10,000 pages of journal entries to justify both his own efforts and the income he lost from killing perfectly good sheep.

DREW GOODEN: Union Civil War Platoon Commander Bartholomew Garfield was said to be a crystal healer who practiced his art on his own soldiers. Killed when he took pity on a wounded enemy, who bayoneted him right in the throat him not three seconds after the crystal was lifted from his healed wound.

MARCIN GORTAT: CLEARLY Sir Willelmus the Large, an English Lord who carried around a giant staff that he supposedly used to burn Frenchmen alive. Historians looking through his papers discovered a crude Vitruvian Man precursor drawing made from ash.

KRIS HUMPHRIES: Claire McDriscol, 19th Century Irish immigrant to America who sold love charms to girls in Brookyln to help feed her family Many have argued that she was the first “Teen Witch.”

DAMION JAMES: Michael Dooley was a 9-Year old boy who lost his mind when he asked a Ouija Board to give him hints on how to beat Sonic the Hedgehog 2.

ANDRE MILLER: Andre Miller is a user of magiks himself, primarily as a means of managing his digestive system.

NENE: “Rere” was a marginal beat poet who spent the last forty years of his life trying to use colored light to create the seed of a new plant that would grow in any soil and provide “Complete, light based nutrition” to anyone who grew it. It didn’t work, of course, but he did come up with some interesting heirloom tomatoes in the process.

DANIEL ORTON: Sarah Isaacs, 12th Century Russian Jewish Witch whose only refined art was levitating slightly. She used it to scare the shit out of village children, almost exclusively. Sort of a proto-prank-comedian. (If you doubt me, look at this pictures and tell me this fella ain’t harmlessly scaring children with magic)

PAUL PIERCE: “Soul Devouring” Mick Mcgee was a very dangerous prisoner who was sent to Prison Colony Australia from England. Bent the wills of men with only his mind. Met his end while trying to extract poison from a platypus. His face was frozen with horror; most say that the poison taking root in his mind gave him his first glimpse of hell.

OTTO PORTER: “Father Paul” (No last name noted in the historical record) a kindly 17th Century German Catholic priest who was chased out of his parish over an incident where he seemed to be speaking in a strange tongue while preparing a slaughtered goat for dinner. A colleague of pre-nailing-theses Martin Luther. The Catholic Church claimed they were friends: a distinct possibility, but probably an arbitrary slander.

GLEN RICE: Katie Mitchell, a troubled 12-year old girl who carves fake runes into her desk with a razorblade she took out of her hand sharpener with a par of her dad’s pliers. Once inadvertently gave her Spanish teacher a heart attack and didn’t realize it.

KEVIN SERAPHIN: Albertine Allaire, a 19th century French Sleight of Hand Artist who was rumored to have a “Darker” side. Napoleon was a fan, and took him on during his exile in Elba. Rumors persist about his job during this time.

XAVIER SILAS: Humbertopoulos, a Byzantine court scholar who did demonstrations with fire he claimed were magic, but were likely just optical trickery. They have similar facial hair.

GARRETT TEMPLE: Marie Jefferson is a Omaha, Nebraska office worker who heats her frozen lunches with magic heat from her hands. She is not an ambitious person.

JOHN WALL: During the rise of the Whaling Industry, tales were told of a humble sailor who could kill whales with bolts of electricity he shot from his hands. These claims were mocked for nearly 200 years, until the 200-Year old bones of a whale with electricity runes carved into them were discovered in Nantucket in 1944.

MARTELL WEBSTER: Plato (No relation), an ancient roman wizard who walked into the ocean in a big to become king of fish. He drowned.

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