ORLANDO, FL. Magic Franchisee Rich DeVos announced that his team would be making an exciting change today. “For more than 25 years, the Orlando Magic have been a pillar in the community. But we have decided that “The Magic is Over.’ It is time for a name that represents something more tangible and athletic than “Magic” which is the product of Wizards, who are lazy, unathletic guys who chill in robes all day and worship Satan. It is time for THE ORLANDO DRAGIC.
Mr. DeVos, this is certainly a bold new step for the franchise. Is the team trying to woo Goran Dragic to the franchise?
“No, no, no, we are committed to Elfrid Payton’s development. We think he has a bright future with the club. But do we want him, and EVERYONE on the team, to emulate his hard edged, cerebral style of play? Absolutely. We hold Goran AND Zoran in very high esteem here at the Amway Center.”
I am just having trouble grasping… I could MAYBE understand naming the team the “Jordans” or the “Shaqs,” because they are retired players who are both surefire Hall-of-Famers. But Goran Dragic is a. NOT retired and b. uhh, a very good player, but not a Hall-of-Fame type guy…
“Well we all have opinions about who belongs in the hall. All I will say is that I think Goran has been deprived a Hall-Of-Fame type situation in the NBA thus far, but his strong season last year proved that he certainly has the talent and drive to be enshrined in Springfield’s hallowed halls.”
Are you SURE you don’t want Dragic to be on the team, because it sounds…
“You guys are over focusing on Goran here. There are Lot of notable Dragics. Zoran, You guys know about, he is… he is a special player. But you probably DON’T know about famous soccer player Dalibor Dragic, because unlike me, you are not a follower of the Malaysian Premier League, one of the best soccer leagues in the world by some measurements. Not to MENTION the recently deceased Serbian writer and Poet Predrag Dragic, the author of seminal works like ‘A Poem About the Goat,’ ‘The Battle of Kosovo,’ and ‘The Little Legacy.’”
Didn't you say this was about, athleticism or something? What does a writer have to do with the spirit of sport?
“I’ll have you know that Predrag was a FIERCE pickup basketball player. Maybe do a little research…”
Mr. DeVos, do you speak or read Serbian?
It’s just… I can’t seem to find any, uh, English translations of Predrag Dragic’s work? How did you find out about him exactly?
“Yeah, the literary world is, uh. Grave injustice about Predrag’s work. We were friends, good enough friends that I call him Predrag like that. My wife, she speaks Serbian, and she read his books to me and I liked them so much that I went to Serbia in my jet and met him personally. It’s the kind of thing rich people do all the time, and I am VERY rich.”
So, what about his discourses on Dostoevsky, what are your feelings on those?
“I’m not answering ‘Gotcha’ questions, okay? Who’s next? Rick?”
Hey, Rich. Level with me, this can be off the record if you want. Was there a printing error, and you guys are just overcompensating?
“WHAT? No, we wouldn’t… make a printing error! We’re a professional basketball team!”
And if you did, you are probably well capitalized enough that you could just buy new uniforms and stuff.
“Yeah… absolutely. We have all kinds of money just sitting around, for sure.”
Wait, wait. Why “The Dragic?” Wouldn’t “The Dragics” make a lot more sense?
“Uh…. (Leans into PR guy) ...the name is not supposed to be, like “He is a Dragic.” It’s more like, the SPIRIT of Dragic, the unifying condition of being Dragic. Like “The Heat” or “The Thunder” or “The Magic,” one of those NBA teams. Alright, no more questions. I have to go, uh, to Pregrag Dragic’s grave, to pay my respects. Donnie (Points at PR Guy) will fill you in on our new mascot, Growon the Dragic, who one guy said looks like an anthropomorphized, big headed cartoon Goron Dragic, but I don’t see it at ALL.”