Monday, October 6, 2014


As a FAMOUS AND SUCCESSFUL BASKETBALL BLOGGER, people ask me a lot of questions. “How do you become famous and successful” is one. I don’t tell them the real answer, to keep them from competing with me. But I don’t get any questions about the Golden State Warriors. So I drifted on over to the Yahoo! Answers service to get some questions I can answer about this beloved basketball team.*

No. My favorite player is Draymond Green. I don’t remember the game on Friday, not sure there was one. I actually think Marc Jackson got fired in the offseason. You’re welcome.

The Warriors.

Steph Curry is the best player on the Warriors, and how he did it is be being an extraordinary three point shooter.

Probably, they did the last two years. There aren’t any new NBA teams, but I guess some teams might get better. Basically, if the Warriors win enough games to be on the the eight Western Conference that won the most games, they will get into the playoffs, unless they’re tied for eighth and they have a losing record against the team they’re tied with. It’s not that confusing.

I don’t know, I’m not a Warriors fan. I am a Blazers fan. I asked a Warriors fan, and he said:

All the evidence I have gathered suggests that Warriors fans still believe.




Curry’s a better player, obviously, but if you feel like you relate to Jeff Green more, you should buy that shirt instead. Or you could buy like five shirts at Goodwill for the price of one. I buy a lot of things at Goodwill, because I’m very thrifty. If I were you, I would skip that shirt and buy a tea kettle or something. I have enough shirts but only one tea kettle.

Joe Johnson’s continued prominence is frightening to me, and to everyone. He plays an aggressively gravitational form of basketball. He is maybe a little boring. He wears black like half the time. He’s been around forever and shows no signs of going away. He is death. Klay Thompson is young and new, even if he is also pretty boring, he still feels like a new thing, overflowing with potential. Give it 5 years, and he will become death like Johnson. He will even pull a weirdly big contract in Brooklyn. Then whatever young, kinda boring shooting guard is young and hot and playing on the West Coast at the time will be on top of whatever list you’re talking about. It is destiny.

What, no, that guy is the best! I was watching his steals on the NBA Stats website yesterday and 3/4s of them went like this:

-Player isolates on Draymond
-Draymond stops the penetration.
-Draymond reaches in, digs out the ball, and takes it, like it is candy or something.

He did this to Rudy Gay three times in one game! An isolation possessions is a tradeoff: low percentage shot that probably won’t get turned over. Watching Draymond make havoc right in a guy’s house, where he thought he was safe and secure, is a true blessing. God Bless Draymond Green.

  1. Van Halen, the Band, was not good without David Lee Roth, but David Lee Roth has been VERY not good without Van Halen, so I am going to go with Van Halen on this one.
  2. Kevin Love. Although, Mike Love was the worst lead singer Van Halen ever had.
  3. David Lee, because Andrew Bynum’s injuries have driven him away from basketball and into the arms of Van Halen, the band he is singing for now. He doesn’t have Diamond Dave’s high kicking prowess, but man when he gets to belting “Hot for Teacher” there’s no one better.

Five. This guy asked this question seven years ago, when anyone could have easily looked this shit up on Google and found out. Maybe he only uses Yahoo!. But even then, haven’t used it in a while, but I still have to imagine Yahoo! is up to that task.
What I’m trying to get at is, the guy who asked this question is Steve Kerr. It was night time, he was a little drunk, feeling a little frustrated about some furniture he was having a hard time putting together, and just to feel like he was in control he got online and asked Yahoo! Answers to validate him a little. “My kids don’t respect me, but I have a question FOR THE WHOLE DAMN INTERNET.” He sat and refreshed until the answer came up, muttered “Damn right” and went to bed.

*oh just let the internet write for you, huh? yeah, maybe, shut up

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