OH BOY, EVERYONE. TURN OFF THE BASEBALL, STEP OUT OF THE ROLLER COASTER, THROW THOSE CRUSHED UP ADDERALL IN THE TRASH, BECAUSE I HAVE THE ULTIMATE ADRENALINE BOOST, WAITING RIGHT HERE FOR YOU:
NEW NBA TV DEAL, AND EVERYONE IS GETTING PAID CASH MONEY
“A rising tide floats all boats.” The Buddha said that, and what he meant was that increased NBA Prosperity was going to make everyone with a connection to the league, from Steve Ballmer all the way down to the fans RICH RICH RICH. Are you ready to read about it!?
- THE SALARY CAP
Salary cap’s GOIN’ UP! You have a player you shouldn’t overpay? WELL NOT ANYMORE, BECAUSE OVERPAYING FOR NBA PRODUCTION IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE NOW. Klay Thompson? MAX HIM. Wesley Matthews? MAX HIM. Luigi Datome? Can’t let a raw talent like that go back to Europe! Mid Level Exception which is now worth oh, blah blah carry the two, oh my god, it’s worth several Tower Heist style gold cars! (In Tower Heist, the villain keeps his slush fund inside his special car, which is made of gold. The end of the movie is everyone who got ripped off being amped about solid gold car parts. It’s not a very good movie.) Here is a picture of the old salary cap:
AND HERE IS THE BIG, BAD NEW ONE:
HOOOOLY MOLEY? Can we get a side by side of these bad boys?
There’s been some talk about smoothing blah blah blah that lady who runs the union is going to sit down at the table and say “our first concern with smoothing out cap raises is go fuck yourself Adam,” and then throw a handful of one hundred dollar bills right in his face.
- PLAYERS FINALLY MAKING MORE MONEY
Now that salaries are going to EXPLODE, players can finally make some purchases! And I am here to tell you, the reader, what the hot NBA purchase of 2016 is going to be.
Formerly only for the mega rich, the bedside decanter, and it’s amazing, life giving force is now accessible to NBA players. Steve Nash has been using a kombucha growler as a sort of makeshift decanter, and his calculations have suggested that taking away below temperature room late night water from his diet has added TWO WEEKS to the end of his career. This decanted water is going to make healthier NBA players, which will make a better NBA. Money makes everything better!
PART THREE: THE FUTURE!
Can we be real for a second? This country (The United States) is going STRAIGHT into the shitter. Dumb imperial wars, cops in all out panic because someone suggests that maybe they shouldn’t be able to shoot people on sight for looking at them funny, financial markets inhumanely tugging working people around like they’re dogs, the ongoing corn subsidy and it’s attack on American AgroDiversity. It’s not looking good. But this new NBA Deal is going to keep them in Million-Dollar-Bill-Lined pants for A WHILE. This is going to come in handy:
“Oh no, I bankrupted the entire United States because I declared war on Iran after some shadowy billionaire donor told me to so the price of corn would go up. What am I going to do?”
“Well, President Christie, you heap of human garbage, the NBA, the only remaining source of wealth remaining in America, is willing to help. We are loaded with money and we will give you a loan. But there is a cost…”
“Please, Mr. Silver, Anything! We’ll do anything!”
And that is how the United States put all of their scientists to work projecting NBA games onto the moon beginning in 2018. The sponsorships dollars are bonkers, because the league is the only truly global brand since everyone in the world will is forced to watch it when they look up into the night sky. Trillions pour in. The NBA’s dominance is unchecked. New Roman Empire. All because of the new TV Deal.