Monday, October 27, 2014


The City Hall of Kearney, Nebraska, where an emergency town meeting has been called. The Mayor of Kearney talks from behind a podium.

“Alright, order, order. Everyone calm down. This emergency public forum has been called today because some people in they decided they had a problem with some WE ALL voted on nearly TWO years ago. So; what’s the problem, again?”

Janet Krumpkey, 35, approaches the public address podium.

“Good afternoon. I am here represent all reasonable taxpaying citizens of Kearney, Nebraska. Mr Mayor: why exactly has this city spent nearly 750,000 dollars on a seven-foot tall gold statue outside city hall?”

“Let me stop you, Janet, I have some things I think I need to say. First, it is a WHITE GOLD statue. Drastically more attractive than conventional gold. Second, it is seven feet tall because DIRK NOWITZKI, the subject OF the statue is Seven Feet tall, and any shorter would be, frankly, an insult to a great man. Three: this city spent no more than 754,356 dollars on this commissioned statue because the city VOTED FOR IT IN AN INITIATIVE TWO YEARS AGO. Can we please go ho…”

“Mr. Mayor. That language stipulating a ‘Tribute to a local hero’ was tacked onto the end of the annual school levy, in such a way as to slip it past voters. It was deceit politica at the highest level. What does this statue have to do with our children’s education?”

“Mrs. Krumpkey. Our children don’t have anymore heroes. I hope you don’t mind me saying that. But who out there is going to show kids the right way to live?”

“...their parents.”

The mayor sighed. “If you ask me, that’s the problem with parents today. They go to work for eight hours a day, come home and chew out their kids until everyone falls asleep, exhausted by each other’s presence, and they expect their kids to adopt them as heroes. Wouldn’t you rather your child look up to Dirk, the german king of the NBA, drilling trailing threes, one legged fadeaways, wandering in the desert after an existential crisis, then STORMING BACK and stealing the title from right out underneath Lebron James? Isn’t that who out children should seek to emulate, not you and your boring husband, just trying to scrape by? This statue will inspire all children to be their best.”

“But what does Dirk Nowitzki have to do with the City of Kearney? Why are we, SPECIFICALLY, paying tribute to him?”

“Why not?”

“...I, uh, well he’s not from here or anything…”

“You know, I believe in a GLOBAL community. In a way, everyone is from Kearney, when you think about it.”

“I don’t agree, like at all, but even if I did, wouldn’t there be someone… better we could build a statue of? Not that we should have built ANY gold statues, just to be completely clear. But even if we did, what about, uh, a Nobel Prize winner or something? Willa Cather, she’s from Nebraska. What about Willa Cather?”

A young man in a Lakers jersey stood up in the back of the room and popped the logo across his chest. “DIRK SUCKS! KOBEEEEEEE!”

The mayor rose to her feet. “GUARDS, GET THAT SON OF A BITCH OUT OF HERE!” She turned her head and spit on the ground. “No one knows about any Nobel Prize Winners! And, Willa Cather, really? Would you rather watch the Big Man From the Deutch Land sink yet another fadeaway right in some dude’s face or read books about wheat fields or whatever?”


“Uhh, you ever hear about tourism, JANET. Once the word on this bad boy gets out, you’re going to have Mavs fans, Germans, basketball weirdos, all coming to THIS CITY and staying in OUR HOTELS and eating at OUR RESTAURANTS, which will put money in OUR ECONOMY or whatever.” The mayor made a circle in the air with her finger. “A cycle of money, with Dirk out there pushing the pedals!”

“And what if it doesn’t! What if people don’t come to our city just to see this dumb statue? Then what!?”

“It’s not like the statue is going to go down in value! It’s a gold statue of a basketball legend! I am sure I can get face value, probably even hustle 800,000 bucks if we need the money or something? Shit, we get Dirk over here, he signs the statue, that’s another 300 bucks, I’ll bet. My only worry is, someone is probably going to steal the statue, because it’s so valuable. In my opinion, we need to hire some armed guards, 27/4, watch this bad boy. Anyway, I gotta jet, my Mavs are gonna smack those damned Spurs around on the T-N-T. PEACE!”

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