TEN POSTS I COULD DO ABOUT THE RAPTORS, BUT WON’T:
ONE: MAKE FUN OF DRAKE. People think Drake is very silly, because he has weird rooting habits and makes rap songs about his feelings. He also works for the Raptors, sort of. Making fun of Drake is a lot of fun for a lot of people. I don’t really care about anyone’s rooting habits and I don’t listen to his rap songs, so I don’t have the ability to really write this post. If I did, I would use this picture in it:
I don’t know what the joke would be, but the Raptor on the Jersey is wearing a Jersey with Drake’s face on it, and that’s probably like a B- piece of business. I don’t really know, I don’t really keep up on hip-hop issues.
TWO: PREVIEW THE SEASON LIKE THEY’RE A HOCKEY TEAM. Toronto is in Canada, where Hockey is the national sport. I would go through the roster and compare every player to a hockey player, maybe a fake hockey player, as a joke. For instance:
DEMAR DEROZEN: “Sturdy” William McGilis, a fast, dependable wingman for the NHA’s Montreal Bleu Culottes. Played with a massive cigar in his mouth at all times, as a way of giving advantage to his opponents. If he won, he looked awesome, if he lost, he would blame it on his :Filthy Habits” and perpetuate the myth of his prowess being suppressed by his addiction to cigars. Died when a pack of wlves attacked his family’s Yukon Potato farm.
This is maybe a good idea, but I don’t know that much about hockey, certainly not enough to do a whole post of those. Is “Winger” even a position?
THREE: COMPARE EVER PLAYER TO A FUCKED UP SONG. Toronto-based experimental hardcore band Fucked Up are one of my all time favorite bands, and this would be a good excuse to just write about their songs. It’s also pretty self indulgent, so I decided not to. I could also compare everyone on the team to a member of the band, but Boris Diaw is on the Spurs and that guy is 10,000 Marbles to a T. ALso that would be even more self-indulgent, because I’m not even sharing Fucked Up’s terrific music that way.
FOUR: UTILIZE A CHILDREN’S BOOK ABOUT RAPTORS IN SOME WAY:
I even picked out books! But when I was trying to convince myself that it would be funny if I said that the Raptors could train the the desert, because raptors lived in deserts, I though “This is probably not a great idea.”
FIVE: COMPLICATED MYTHOLOGIES I was also trying to make a thing about how when you named your team after an animal, you have to go speak to the king of that animal (Only the VERY RICH know about these animals) to get approval for the team name, but the Raptors never did that, because Raptors are are all dead, so the teams has been cursed by ghost raptors ever since then. Here is a picture of a ghost raptor blocking that Lowry floater in the playoffs:
SIX: JUST WRITE A PREVIEW: It’s time to cut the high concept crap. You have kids to feed. Just write a damn preview about the Raptors. You know who’s on the team! It’s not rocket science! Quit making it more complicated than it has to be.
SEVEN: MAKE FUN OF THEIR FRANCHISEE: I love to get a little Zirincore on here from time to time, because I am a political person with dangerous opinions. But the Raptors are primarily owned by a Canadian Media Conglomarate. Who am I supposed to get angry at, exactly? A profitable cog in a publically traded company that pays its taxes? Actually, it just makes me angry that America’s limpdick communication regulations have let international corporationstake over every conceivable corner of the media landscape, while Canada has responsibly regulated them out of their marketplace.
EIGHT: FREDRIC WEIS PREVIEWS THEIR SEASON: “I became a fan of the Toronto Raptors in about 2004. I can’t quite remember why. Anyway, I am excited for their upcoming season. I especially hope they beat the Memphis Grizzlies, a team I loathe from the deepest depths of my being.”
NINE: LIST TRADES MASAI UJIRI HAS MADE IN HIS LIFE: For instance, “Masai traded a Snickers bar for a gold bar.” Because he’s good at making uneven trades! Ugh, sports executive fetishization.
TEN: IF THE RAPTORS WERE A HELICOPTER, WHAT PART OF THE HELICOPTER WOULD EVERYONE BE? Didn’t get far on this one. I did figure that Lowry was the pilot, and Greivis the co-pilot and Casey the navigation computer. What does Casey’s voice sound like? Do you think it is made for navigation computers?